Continued from The Proposals
Continued on Post Marriage
The Beginning of the Ending
We met the next day after Manas’ call. I could see that she had not slept. She was disoriented.
She looked me straight in the eyes and said “I want to marry him. I will be happy and so will be my family. I want to be happy and want you to be happy. You need to stand by my decision and support me.” That’s it. She didn’t say anything more.
In the same breath she had destroyed my dreams
and hopes. Rather, our dreams and hopes. I somehow managed to hold my tears and not breakdown. I could barely say “If that’s what you want” and added “I give you my word that I will not stop your wedding”.
I also told her that since I considered her my love, life and in fact, everything - she could go ahead and fulfill her duties and obligations. And when her children are grown up and married and gone, I would come and ask her to marry me. This way I will get to spend my sunset years with her if not her prime. She felt touched and broke down. (LG rambles: Can I come with you in 20-25 years time? I'll carry my double barrel shotgun. One way or the other, it will blow your mind...)
We were still together. The next few months were hell for me. But I never let it on to her how broken I was inside. I just smiled. We made the most of the next few months. Whatever little time we had together, she made me promise that I would not do anything stupid with my life else she would never forgive herself. She needed me to be alive. (LG rambles: ROTFL... You are kidding me aren't you. You are already dead man. You freaking Zombie.)
Believe it or not but I helped her with her wedding shopping. Jewelry, clothes et al. Even her bridal outfit. Not to forget, I helped her pick a gift for Manas that she would present to him on their engagement.
She looked absolutely stunning in her bridal dress. I told her that I wanted to run away with her there and then. And she smiled.
These few months we never discussed ‘us’. She did mention a few times that she didn’t know why she was doing this to me.
We met the next day after Manas’ call. I could see that she had not slept. She was disoriented.
She looked me straight in the eyes and said “I want to marry him. I will be happy and so will be my family. I want to be happy and want you to be happy. You need to stand by my decision and support me.” That’s it. She didn’t say anything more.
In the same breath she had destroyed my dreams
and hopes. Rather, our dreams and hopes. I somehow managed to hold my tears and not breakdown. I could barely say “If that’s what you want” and added “I give you my word that I will not stop your wedding”. I also told her that since I considered her my love, life and in fact, everything - she could go ahead and fulfill her duties and obligations. And when her children are grown up and married and gone, I would come and ask her to marry me. This way I will get to spend my sunset years with her if not her prime. She felt touched and broke down. (LG rambles: Can I come with you in 20-25 years time? I'll carry my double barrel shotgun. One way or the other, it will blow your mind...)
We were still together. The next few months were hell for me. But I never let it on to her how broken I was inside. I just smiled. We made the most of the next few months. Whatever little time we had together, she made me promise that I would not do anything stupid with my life else she would never forgive herself. She needed me to be alive. (LG rambles: ROTFL... You are kidding me aren't you. You are already dead man. You freaking Zombie.)
Believe it or not but I helped her with her wedding shopping. Jewelry
, clothes et al. Even her bridal outfit. Not to forget, I helped her pick a gift for Manas that she would present to him on their engagement.She looked absolutely stunning in her bridal dress. I told her that I wanted to run away with her there and then. And she smiled.
These few months we never discussed ‘us’. She did mention a few times that she didn’t know why she was doing this to me.
She said that I was a nice guy and that she had never come across anyone like me. She asked me to understand what she was doing. And that she was in love with me. Oh yes! I did understand. She was marrying another man because she felt it was her duty and obligation towards her parents. I did understand that she didn’t want to marry me. I did understand that she could not or was afraid of what society would say about her being someones second wife. I did understand that she didn't think it appropriate to think about me while making the decision or even discussing it with me.
But! What I fail to understand to this day is why she never discussed it with me. I fail to understand why she made such a life changing decision on her own. I fail to understand why she didn’t give me a chance. I fail to understand how she could make such a decision without thinking about me and my emotions. I fail to understand how she could think that I would be okay with her marrying another man. I fail to understand how she could think that I could lead a happy and peaceful life with her being married to someone else. I fail to understand why my dreams and hopes are now another man’s reality. I fail to understand how love was not important to her anymore and other things were. I fail to understand how she could do to me what was done to her knowing fully well what she herself went through.
Now, I have just stopped trying to understand anything. Because nothing makes sense to me anymore. The more I think, the more confused, angry, agitated I get.
I did have breakdowns in this period. Told her that the thought of another man being with her would kill me. But I got a grip of myself. She said she needed me to be strong for her to go through with the marriage. But who do I have to be strong for me? (LG rambles: Have you met Mr. Walker and Mr. Daniels?)
She said that she would never forget me. But, does it make a difference if she remembers me or not? Well, not to me. What would I get by her thinking about me? And what would she get by thinking about me? And why? I don't want her to think about me. I want her to want me!
Now, I have just stopped trying to understand anything. Because nothing makes sense to me anymore. The more I think, the more confused, angry, agitated I get.
I did have breakdowns in this period. Told her that the thought of another man being with her would kill me. But I got a grip of myself. She said she needed me to be strong for her to go through with the marriage. But who do I have to be strong for me? (LG rambles: Have you met Mr. Walker and Mr. Daniels?)
She said that she would never forget me. But, does it make a difference if she remembers me or not? Well, not to me. What would I get by her thinking about me? And what would she get by thinking about me? And why? I don't want her to think about me. I want her to want me!
There was a point about a month before her wedding where I totally lost it. I was crying every single day. But this particular week was crazy. It was like a continuous downpour. I had a major meltdown. Whenever we met, I bawled like a baby. There was this one day I cried for two hours non-stop with her. I told her to get married and come back to me. We’d find a reason. But all she said is that she would only come back to me so that I do not hurt myself. I did contemplate hurting myself just to have her back. But no! I had a son and would never do anything to myself. And there’s no way I’d let Bambino live with the thought that she was the cause if anything happened to me. I’d rather live with the thoughts of her leaving me and marrying another man than put her through it. I promised her that I would always take care of myself. And that I’m here for her, through hail or storm, day or night, and will be happy to have her back in my life anytime. And I’ll be waiting with open arms.
And then I met her for the last time about a couple of weeks before her wedding. I proposed to her for what it’s worth; down on one knee and sang to her the first song I had dedicated to her on the radio. We kissed for the last time. We kissed and cried for an hour. And she said to me that “We’ll never meet again after this”. (LG rambles: I hope you sang 'I Wanna Be Your Underwear'. The best love song ever.)
A week before her wedding she told me that she “felt bad leaving me in the lurch”. I told her she didn’t have to feel bad about anything. She thought of her best interest and her happiness and I just wanted her to be happy. And if this brought her happiness, so be it. I was happy for her. But not happy with the situation I was in.
The last time I spoke to her was about 30 minutes before her wedding in the morning. All I could say was “All the best”. I hung up and cried. And cried. And cried. Before I knew it, it was the middle of the night. And I had not yet stopped crying...
And then I met her for the last time about a couple of weeks before her wedding. I proposed to her for what it’s worth; down on one knee and sang to her the first song I had dedicated to her on the radio. We kissed for the last time. We kissed and cried for an hour. And she said to me that “We’ll never meet again after this”. (LG rambles: I hope you sang 'I Wanna Be Your Underwear'. The best love song
ever.)A week before her wedding she told me that she “felt bad leaving me in the lurch”. I told her she didn’t have to feel bad about anything. She thought of her best interest and her happiness
and I just wanted her to be happy. And if this brought her happiness, so be it. I was happy for her. But not happy with the situation I was in.The last time I spoke to her was about 30 minutes before her wedding in the morning. All I could say was “All the best”. I hung up and cried. And cried. And cried. Before I knew it, it was the middle of the night. And I had not yet stopped crying...
Continued on Post Marriage
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