Love, Sex and Marriage - Jilted in Love #4 - THE SACRIFICIAL GOAT (Part 5)

Continued from The Beginning of the Ending


Post Marriage

Almost two years now and it hasn’t yet sunk into me that she’s married and gone. At times I wake up in the middle of the night and hear her calling out my name in her soft, sensual voice only to realise that it’s a dream.

My actions over the months immediately preceding her wedding were in total contrast to what I felt for her. I say I’m in love with her but unknowingly my actions and words proved otherwise. To defend my actions, I have not been myself for the past couple of years. You can’t blame me for it, can you? (LG ramble: Of course you are to be blamed. Who asked you to fall in love?)

I don’t even know how I passed the week after her wedding. It’s all one big haze. I know I was dehydrated, not only because of the tears I had shed but to keep myself away from reality, I was drinking. It’s kind of a good thing that I decided to leave town for a week. I needed to get away and be alone. Only a couple of my friends really knew what was happening with me. And they accompanied me to be with me so that I didn’t land up doing anything stupid. They controlled my drinking. All I know is that I was drinking, crying and sleeping for the entire week. (LG rambles: Yes, we know. And so does Mr. Walker and Mr. Daniels)

Thank GOD for my friends, I almost decided to make a last minute dash back home to attend her wedding. That would have been a total disaster.

My friends and my therapist were of great help. Am not sure what I would have done without them. I could not stop thinking about her. How I wanted to call her and hear her voice one last time. How I wanted to tell her that I love her. How I wanted to tell her that she’s mine and that she should come back to me. But we had decided that we’d never contact each other. I was literally dying.

The weeks leading up to her wedding and the months thereafter, I suffered from a lot of health issues. All a fabrication of my mind but it did affect me physically. I still do suffer from various issues. In fact my doctors advised me to go to some retreat to heal myself. Apparently emotional trauma can cause heart and stress attacks and I was on the verge of one. The signs were there. Apparently it’s called ‘Broken Heart Syndrome’ or ‘Tako-Tsubo’ (Japanese Octopus) cardiomyopathy, which affect women more than men. So maybe I did suffer the attacks or as a preventive was given medication. At the same time I had lost my mind too. I seemed to forget little things such as eating breakfast, 30 minutes after having it. My therapist recommended that I write each and everything down - work or personal. I didn’t understand his theory though. Though, no history of heart issues in the family but my situation had increased my chances of an attack manyfold. Anyway, I still need to keep a check on my smoking, drinking, and diet. My doctors treat me like a heart patient hence I have to have regular check ups. (LG rambles: Give up the fags... uhh I mean cigarettes. Go for the fags ;-))

Bambino contacted me soon after her wedding. I was on some medication so lots of things are very fuzzy to me, especially the month of her wedding. It caught me by total surprise. At first I didn’t believe my eyes. But yeah, it was her name on my phone. Had an overload in my brain and didn’t know how to react. I told her that I love her and couldn’t live without her and wanted her back. She asked me not to say such things as she was now married and wanted to love her husband. She was leaving for her honeymoon in a couple of days. I was hoping that lightning strike me dead there and then. So we ended the call very high strung, bad and on a bitter note.

I called her the next day and apologised for crossing the line as she now was a married woman and someone else’s wife, not mine anymore. And that she had feelings for only one man - her husband. I was her past maybe even her mistake. Why so? Because she didn’t mince words when she said it to me. “It was a mistake falling in love with you. I should never have met you”. The little voices in my head keep reminding me that. (LG rambles: You are looney man. 'Voices in my head' it seems. I only have monsters under my bed ;-))

About 6-8 weeks after her wedding she contacted me again. She told me that on the way to her honeymoon she heard a song that reminded her of us and she cried. She also told me that she couldn’t stop thinking about me. Though her body was there, here mind was with me. She then said something that broke me down totally. She said that she was extremely uncomfortable when her husband came close to her and touched her. And that I was her life. And then she said that we both made the decision and now we have to live with it. And BANG! It struck me. She had never asked me or discussed it with me. She had made the decision on her own without involving me or my feelings and emotion. And that decision not only changed her life but mine too. Hers for the better, mine for the worse. Literally not just figuratively. Everything in my life has taken a downturn. Emotionally. Financially. Physically. Spiritually. Mentally and Morally too. Don’t ask about the moral part. (LG rambles: More on that in the next post)

For two days after that I was not myself. I had lost my senses. All I could think was her husband’s slimy, snaky hands on her body, and his sloppy lips on hers. These visions just filled my head. I couldn’t see her going through all this. And then I did something really stupid... called her husband!

Yes! It was dumb and stupid and totally reckless on my part. I have no explanation or making any excuses to why I did it. And No! I was not trying to get back at her and ruin her life. I was not in my senses. In hindsight, I could have just quietly been in touch with her and somehow got her back. But back then I was not thinking straight. I had not slept in two nights - my mind racing with thoughts!

I told him that Bambino and I were in love. And that she married him because of her family. And I couldn’t live without her. But, I also told him to keep her happy and that she thought he was a nice man. I told him not to let her know about our conversation. Well, obviously he went home and asked her. Post that call I deleted all our chats, emails, video chats and her pictures lest I lose my senses again and do something reckless again. So now there was no evidence of our relationship. I had stooped to a new low and I hated myself for it. In fact, still do! But, atleast he now knows he has to treat her well because there is someone else who loves her even more, whom she left behind to marry him out of duty and obligation to her parents.

Till date I don’t know what they discussed. I did speak to her a couple of days after this incident. All she told me was that I broke her heart and trust. I had no explanation for my action. She told me how delicate a bond between a husband and wife is. And that she loved her husband and she wanted to be happy. And asked me if she didn’t have right to be happy and peaceful. Of course she did. I asked her if she ever thought about my happiness or me when she made the decision. But got no answer in return. Obviously! Not that she was obligated to me or had a duty towards me but for sake of what we had, we were in a relationship. Wasn’t it for humanity’s sake for her to even discuss us?!! The response I got was that she wants to be happy and at peace. She also said that her husband told her that it was wrong for her to fall in love with me. And she agreed with him. Well he was just reinforcing what she always thought. That falling in love with me was a mistake and that she should have never met me. Great thoughts for me to live with - the person you gave yourself to thinks that you were her biggest mistake!

A couple of days later I spoke with both of them. Apologised for what I had done and that I would never contact them. I didn’t mean to cause any complications. Just wanted him to take care of her and keep her happy.

My therapist and friends were really pissed at what I did. I made no excuses. I couldn’t see her going though what she was. I’m part of a group of six that have faced emotional trauma in love. We are there for each other and when we are going through a turbulent time we support each other through it. They too said it was wrong on my part to make the call but they did understand me. After all, we all were nursing a broken heart, dreams, and life and experiencing similar emotions.

For the next couple of months I never called her. But yes, I did drop some e-mails expressing my feelings and emotions. I was going through the worst possible time of my life. Everything around me was falling apart. And there was this one time I was totally broken down when I called her and said “Thank for messing my life just like your ex did to you” and hung up. Till date, that was the only time I ever put the blame on her or held her responsible. And I immediately emailed her apologising for what I said. (LG rambles: Why?? she did mess you up and leave you without thinking about you or your life.)

After a couple of months we were back in touch. We had some really heated discussions. She told me that I played safe and if I was in love with her why I had not divorced my wife. I had to remind here that it was she who stopped me from filing for divorce. But as usual my query went unanswered. Though my wife and I were estranged it just never occurred to me that I was not divorced. Maybe the reason was my son’s schooling.

When I fell in love with Bambino, I was not looking for love. It just happened. She just kept saying that she was separating me from my child and could never live with that. But she never was the cause and she knew it. And then she said that she had a duty and obligation towards her parents for bringing her up and that she could not disappoint them. I told her that she didn’t even give me a chance with her parents. And had always told her that if her parents, especially her father didn’t agree, then we’d both go our own way. At least I would know that I tried my best and left no stone unturned. But was not given the chance. My hands were tied for she bound me by making me swear to her that I will never talk to her parents.

She called herself names. As she always did when we were together and I hated her for it. She told me that the e-mails where I expressed my feelings and emotions would kill her and make her feel guilty. But what about the thoughts that kill me everyday? She even told me that it was her biggest mistake of falling in love with me and even meeting me. She even went to the extent of saying that she would leave her husband and live alone and never marry me. Those words still hound me to this day. She said that my call still disturbs her husband. (LG rambles: Like it makes a difference to him. He's got her all to himself) But what she doesn’t think is that her decision to leave me and marry another will hound me for the rest of my life. At least he has her by his side to comfort him. Who do I have? 

Anyway, much was said between us.

Subsequently, a few months later she sent me a message “I’m sorry for messing with your life. But now that the damage is done I cannot undo it”. Damage? Not like she dented my car or anything. And this message only came after our last heated call. And finally she said that she never thought about me or what I would do while making the decision, only herself and her family. And that she didn’t have the courage or strength to marry me. I thanked for finally saying it. At least now I had clarity that the person who meant everything to me didn’t even think about me when she made the decision that literally turned my life upside down many times over.

Post the heated discussions we were back on talking terms. We knew we needed each other in our lives. We were soulmates after all. The next few weeks were blissful. As normal as I could be without having her in my life. Then her husband told her to cut off all communication with me. I understood it and obviously had no say in it. I told her that I was still in love with her and though I may not be able to partake in her happiness but would always be there for her when she needed me.  (LG rambles: Sheesh.. You love sick puppy)

So, now we are not in regular touch. But, we do exchange the odd mail now and then. A couple of calls when she needed to reach out to me. But from my end I’ve stopped communicating with her. I’ve walled off myself emotionally. I don’t want to send her an email or message and tear her apart, of wanting to respond or not because of her husband. (LG rambles: Dude! That's not your problem.)

Yes! I do think of her everyday but I don’t hope that she will come back to me. But, I will take her back at the drop of a hat. She didn’t have the courage or strength to marry me when she was single. I am under no false pretense that she will ever have it now, that she is married even if she is unhappy and still loves me. But again I am not fooling myself by saying she still loves me. Well she’s with another and obviously would have developed an attachment. And as they say ‘Out of Sight is Out of Mind’, that’s PROBABLY what I am. Knowing her, she will adapt to her surrounding, compromise her own needs and wants, happy or not she will not come back. I just want her to be happy and I religiously pray every morning and night to GOD to bless her with all the joy, happiness, health, courage and strength.

I have never thought negative about her marriage or that it should break up. And never will. I just want her to be happy. And if this is what brings her happiness at- the cost of my loss, my hurt, my pain, so be it! I am happy for her.

All I wanted was to share her company and to experience the wonderfulness that is Bambino. Was I wrong in that?