Lil Ms. Muffet and The Spider

This is the story of my dear friend Lil Ms. Muffet and her crazy boyfriend The Spider. Why do I call her that? Simple! She's pint sized and cute as hell. The Spider spun his web, drew her in, caught her in his web and almost devoured her. But as luck would have, she managed to slip out in the nick of time.

Read on...

I met him on a regular TV story assignment on solar energy. My boss had told me to do this story without giving me any leads, and it was through an online directory service that I first got connected to him.

He sounded confident, mature and knowledgeable about the future of solar systems in India. By his voice I tried to guess his age and thought he must be around 40. I decided to meet him for my research. That was 11th June, 2008. Surprise! He was not 40, he was young and handsome. I later learnt that he was born on the same day as I was, he was 5 hours older. Sign, I thought. It was too much of a co-incidence.

We met again, this time not for work. We went to Delhi’s Golf club. I reached before he did. We spent some time together there and then we came back to the parking. It was a huge parking, mostly empty, yet he had parked his car just next to mine (he had never seen my car). Another sign, I thought. (LG rambles: No such thing as co-incidence. Everything happens for a reason)

I had few shoots with him and so we met again and again. We developed a liking for each other and met often. He lived near my office so he would drop in almost everyday. He was very good to me, loving and caring too. Everything was going great and he seemed perfect.

One day, he went to Kolkata, from there he called me and asked me to leave my job. I could not understand, I thought he was kidding. I was brilliant in studies, I had worked very hard to reach where I was, and was working in country’s reputed news channel. It made no sense. I told him that it was impossible. He came back and told me it is fine and he has changed his mind. That was the first sign of his possessive/obsessive behavior but I ignored it. That is the irony about signs - you only read those that you want to read. (LG rambles: Love is blind :-) rather the emotional closeness makes us blind to a lot of faults or shortcomings)

Then as we started going out more often I would often bump into my friends, he objected to that. He would ask: "why do you have so many friends?" ; "Why do you have to acknowledge them when you meet them?". He did not like me meeting anyone especially if the friend belonged to the other gender. Saying hello to one would lead to multiple fights and my character assassination. How do I know the boy? Did I ever have a relationship with him? I started dreading bumping into friends if we were out. It was draining yet I went through it every time hoping he will realise and will stop. (LG rambles: Stay jailed at home ;-) in a burkha )

Nothing changed; in fact it got worse. If we were out with his friends he would object if I spoke to his guy friends. If I spoke to one, then I had to explain it to him that it did not mean anything. Every time we would go clubbing he would keep an eye on the people around, he wanted to make sure no one was looking at me and also that I was not looking at anyone. He would even look around when he used to come pick me up from my office.

Slowly he even started objecting to my going to the gym or a male tailor. He would not understand why did I need to talk to any man in my office - editors, cameramen are all men; this made no sense to him. (LG rambles: I think he's in love with men)

His world revolved around me and he expected the same from me. This was the longest relationship I had been in; I wanted to make it work. I tried for the longest time but then in December 2009, I decided to break up. I mourned for almost 20 days, cried my heart out.

In February 2010 he called up my father and told him he wanted to marry me - no matter what. My father spoke to me about it. I thought he had changed so I decided to give our relationship another chance. I met him on Valentine’s Day and he promised me he will never do anything that will hurt me most importantly, he said he will let me be. I met his parents who were very nice to me. He met my parents too. Both families were happy and excited.

In March, 2010 we both went to my friend’s house for holi. I met a friend (who was a guy) and he hugged me. I saw his face flushing with anger. We soon left that place and I came back home. He kept calling me all night. He wanted to know if I had relationship with that friend or if I did something indecent with him. The following morning my parents saw me crying and then they went to meet him. He again brought up the issue of me working. He told my folks that he is worried if I will work who will get the kids home from school. My parents thought he was crazy. We were not even married yet and he was talking about getting kids from school. (LG rambles: Whacko Jacko! I'm sure he has some serious issues with his parents. Or maybe was beaten up by a girl when he was a kid)

Mom flared up and asked for an explanation. She wanted to know why I tolerated this for so long. It made no sense to her that why would her daughter - who is well educated and independent - tolerate such a man for this long. They made me realise that no one ever changes and that I needed to get out of this as soon as possible. It took me another month to let it go, but my family was by my side. But what was more difficult was to make him realise that it was over. He would write me long, obsessive mails. He would just not realise why my independence was so important to me. He did not want to let me go but he did not want to change his old school thoughts too. (LG rambles: GRTBR!)

In the end, he decided to stick to them. Good for me. It gives me goose bumps today to even imagine a life with him. He belongs to an upper middle class south-Delhi family. He has modern parents yet his ideas did not reflect the society he lived in. I have never called him back or tried to get in touch. I don’t even want to.

Now open for your story!!

Wow... I'm pleasantly surprised... People want to write in their stories on my blog... I'm totally blown away... I didn't think people even read it... Woohoo!

So it's now open to any and everybody. All those interested can email in their story to looneygeek@gmail.com. Your identity will not be disclosed. You can create a fictitious ID and email it from there so even I do not know who you are.

Cheers!

Love, Sex and Marriage - Jilted in Love #4 - THE SACRIFICIAL GOAT (Part 5)

Continued from The Beginning of the Ending


Post Marriage

Almost two years now and it hasn’t yet sunk into me that she’s married and gone. At times I wake up in the middle of the night and hear her calling out my name in her soft, sensual voice only to realise that it’s a dream.

My actions over the months immediately preceding her wedding were in total contrast to what I felt for her. I say I’m in love with her but unknowingly my actions and words proved otherwise. To defend my actions, I have not been myself for the past couple of years. You can’t blame me for it, can you? (LG ramble: Of course you are to be blamed. Who asked you to fall in love?)

I don’t even know how I passed the week after her wedding. It’s all one big haze. I know I was dehydrated, not only because of the tears I had shed but to keep myself away from reality, I was drinking. It’s kind of a good thing that I decided to leave town for a week. I needed to get away and be alone. Only a couple of my friends really knew what was happening with me. And they accompanied me to be with me so that I didn’t land up doing anything stupid. They controlled my drinking. All I know is that I was drinking, crying and sleeping for the entire week. (LG rambles: Yes, we know. And so does Mr. Walker and Mr. Daniels)

Thank GOD for my friends, I almost decided to make a last minute dash back home to attend her wedding. That would have been a total disaster.

My friends and my therapist were of great help. Am not sure what I would have done without them. I could not stop thinking about her. How I wanted to call her and hear her voice one last time. How I wanted to tell her that I love her. How I wanted to tell her that she’s mine and that she should come back to me. But we had decided that we’d never contact each other. I was literally dying.

The weeks leading up to her wedding and the months thereafter, I suffered from a lot of health issues. All a fabrication of my mind but it did affect me physically. I still do suffer from various issues. In fact my doctors advised me to go to some retreat to heal myself. Apparently emotional trauma can cause heart and stress attacks and I was on the verge of one. The signs were there. Apparently it’s called ‘Broken Heart Syndrome’ or ‘Tako-Tsubo’ (Japanese Octopus) cardiomyopathy, which affect women more than men. So maybe I did suffer the attacks or as a preventive was given medication. At the same time I had lost my mind too. I seemed to forget little things such as eating breakfast, 30 minutes after having it. My therapist recommended that I write each and everything down - work or personal. I didn’t understand his theory though. Though, no history of heart issues in the family but my situation had increased my chances of an attack manyfold. Anyway, I still need to keep a check on my smoking, drinking, and diet. My doctors treat me like a heart patient hence I have to have regular check ups. (LG rambles: Give up the fags... uhh I mean cigarettes. Go for the fags ;-))

Bambino contacted me soon after her wedding. I was on some medication so lots of things are very fuzzy to me, especially the month of her wedding. It caught me by total surprise. At first I didn’t believe my eyes. But yeah, it was her name on my phone. Had an overload in my brain and didn’t know how to react. I told her that I love her and couldn’t live without her and wanted her back. She asked me not to say such things as she was now married and wanted to love her husband. She was leaving for her honeymoon in a couple of days. I was hoping that lightning strike me dead there and then. So we ended the call very high strung, bad and on a bitter note.

I called her the next day and apologised for crossing the line as she now was a married woman and someone else’s wife, not mine anymore. And that she had feelings for only one man - her husband. I was her past maybe even her mistake. Why so? Because she didn’t mince words when she said it to me. “It was a mistake falling in love with you. I should never have met you”. The little voices in my head keep reminding me that. (LG rambles: You are looney man. 'Voices in my head' it seems. I only have monsters under my bed ;-))

About 6-8 weeks after her wedding she contacted me again. She told me that on the way to her honeymoon she heard a song that reminded her of us and she cried. She also told me that she couldn’t stop thinking about me. Though her body was there, here mind was with me. She then said something that broke me down totally. She said that she was extremely uncomfortable when her husband came close to her and touched her. And that I was her life. And then she said that we both made the decision and now we have to live with it. And BANG! It struck me. She had never asked me or discussed it with me. She had made the decision on her own without involving me or my feelings and emotion. And that decision not only changed her life but mine too. Hers for the better, mine for the worse. Literally not just figuratively. Everything in my life has taken a downturn. Emotionally. Financially. Physically. Spiritually. Mentally and Morally too. Don’t ask about the moral part. (LG rambles: More on that in the next post)

For two days after that I was not myself. I had lost my senses. All I could think was her husband’s slimy, snaky hands on her body, and his sloppy lips on hers. These visions just filled my head. I couldn’t see her going through all this. And then I did something really stupid... called her husband!

Yes! It was dumb and stupid and totally reckless on my part. I have no explanation or making any excuses to why I did it. And No! I was not trying to get back at her and ruin her life. I was not in my senses. In hindsight, I could have just quietly been in touch with her and somehow got her back. But back then I was not thinking straight. I had not slept in two nights - my mind racing with thoughts!

I told him that Bambino and I were in love. And that she married him because of her family. And I couldn’t live without her. But, I also told him to keep her happy and that she thought he was a nice man. I told him not to let her know about our conversation. Well, obviously he went home and asked her. Post that call I deleted all our chats, emails, video chats and her pictures lest I lose my senses again and do something reckless again. So now there was no evidence of our relationship. I had stooped to a new low and I hated myself for it. In fact, still do! But, atleast he now knows he has to treat her well because there is someone else who loves her even more, whom she left behind to marry him out of duty and obligation to her parents.

Till date I don’t know what they discussed. I did speak to her a couple of days after this incident. All she told me was that I broke her heart and trust. I had no explanation for my action. She told me how delicate a bond between a husband and wife is. And that she loved her husband and she wanted to be happy. And asked me if she didn’t have right to be happy and peaceful. Of course she did. I asked her if she ever thought about my happiness or me when she made the decision. But got no answer in return. Obviously! Not that she was obligated to me or had a duty towards me but for sake of what we had, we were in a relationship. Wasn’t it for humanity’s sake for her to even discuss us?!! The response I got was that she wants to be happy and at peace. She also said that her husband told her that it was wrong for her to fall in love with me. And she agreed with him. Well he was just reinforcing what she always thought. That falling in love with me was a mistake and that she should have never met me. Great thoughts for me to live with - the person you gave yourself to thinks that you were her biggest mistake!

A couple of days later I spoke with both of them. Apologised for what I had done and that I would never contact them. I didn’t mean to cause any complications. Just wanted him to take care of her and keep her happy.

My therapist and friends were really pissed at what I did. I made no excuses. I couldn’t see her going though what she was. I’m part of a group of six that have faced emotional trauma in love. We are there for each other and when we are going through a turbulent time we support each other through it. They too said it was wrong on my part to make the call but they did understand me. After all, we all were nursing a broken heart, dreams, and life and experiencing similar emotions.

For the next couple of months I never called her. But yes, I did drop some e-mails expressing my feelings and emotions. I was going through the worst possible time of my life. Everything around me was falling apart. And there was this one time I was totally broken down when I called her and said “Thank for messing my life just like your ex did to you” and hung up. Till date, that was the only time I ever put the blame on her or held her responsible. And I immediately emailed her apologising for what I said. (LG rambles: Why?? she did mess you up and leave you without thinking about you or your life.)

After a couple of months we were back in touch. We had some really heated discussions. She told me that I played safe and if I was in love with her why I had not divorced my wife. I had to remind here that it was she who stopped me from filing for divorce. But as usual my query went unanswered. Though my wife and I were estranged it just never occurred to me that I was not divorced. Maybe the reason was my son’s schooling.

When I fell in love with Bambino, I was not looking for love. It just happened. She just kept saying that she was separating me from my child and could never live with that. But she never was the cause and she knew it. And then she said that she had a duty and obligation towards her parents for bringing her up and that she could not disappoint them. I told her that she didn’t even give me a chance with her parents. And had always told her that if her parents, especially her father didn’t agree, then we’d both go our own way. At least I would know that I tried my best and left no stone unturned. But was not given the chance. My hands were tied for she bound me by making me swear to her that I will never talk to her parents.

She called herself names. As she always did when we were together and I hated her for it. She told me that the e-mails where I expressed my feelings and emotions would kill her and make her feel guilty. But what about the thoughts that kill me everyday? She even told me that it was her biggest mistake of falling in love with me and even meeting me. She even went to the extent of saying that she would leave her husband and live alone and never marry me. Those words still hound me to this day. She said that my call still disturbs her husband. (LG rambles: Like it makes a difference to him. He's got her all to himself) But what she doesn’t think is that her decision to leave me and marry another will hound me for the rest of my life. At least he has her by his side to comfort him. Who do I have? 

Anyway, much was said between us.

Subsequently, a few months later she sent me a message “I’m sorry for messing with your life. But now that the damage is done I cannot undo it”. Damage? Not like she dented my car or anything. And this message only came after our last heated call. And finally she said that she never thought about me or what I would do while making the decision, only herself and her family. And that she didn’t have the courage or strength to marry me. I thanked for finally saying it. At least now I had clarity that the person who meant everything to me didn’t even think about me when she made the decision that literally turned my life upside down many times over.

Post the heated discussions we were back on talking terms. We knew we needed each other in our lives. We were soulmates after all. The next few weeks were blissful. As normal as I could be without having her in my life. Then her husband told her to cut off all communication with me. I understood it and obviously had no say in it. I told her that I was still in love with her and though I may not be able to partake in her happiness but would always be there for her when she needed me.  (LG rambles: Sheesh.. You love sick puppy)

So, now we are not in regular touch. But, we do exchange the odd mail now and then. A couple of calls when she needed to reach out to me. But from my end I’ve stopped communicating with her. I’ve walled off myself emotionally. I don’t want to send her an email or message and tear her apart, of wanting to respond or not because of her husband. (LG rambles: Dude! That's not your problem.)

Yes! I do think of her everyday but I don’t hope that she will come back to me. But, I will take her back at the drop of a hat. She didn’t have the courage or strength to marry me when she was single. I am under no false pretense that she will ever have it now, that she is married even if she is unhappy and still loves me. But again I am not fooling myself by saying she still loves me. Well she’s with another and obviously would have developed an attachment. And as they say ‘Out of Sight is Out of Mind’, that’s PROBABLY what I am. Knowing her, she will adapt to her surrounding, compromise her own needs and wants, happy or not she will not come back. I just want her to be happy and I religiously pray every morning and night to GOD to bless her with all the joy, happiness, health, courage and strength.

I have never thought negative about her marriage or that it should break up. And never will. I just want her to be happy. And if this is what brings her happiness at- the cost of my loss, my hurt, my pain, so be it! I am happy for her.

All I wanted was to share her company and to experience the wonderfulness that is Bambino. Was I wrong in that?

Love, Sex and Marriage - Jilted in Love #4 - THE SACRIFICIAL GOAT (Part 4)

Continued from The Proposals

The Beginning of the Ending 


We met the next day after Manas’ call. I could see that she had not slept. She was disoriented.

She looked me straight in the eyes and said “I want to marry him. I will be happy and so will be my family. I want to be happy and want you to be happy. You need to stand by my decision and support me.” That’s it. She didn’t say anything more.

In the same breath she had destroyed my dreams and hopes. Rather, our dreams and hopes. I somehow managed to hold my tears and not breakdown. I could barely say “If that’s what you want” and added “I give you my word that I will not stop your wedding”. 

I also told her that since I considered her my love, life and in fact, everything - she could go ahead and fulfill her duties and obligations. And when her children are grown up and married and gone, I would come and ask her to marry me. This way I will get to spend my sunset years with her if not her prime. She felt touched and broke down.  (LG rambles: Can I come with you in 20-25 years time? I'll carry my double barrel shotgun. One way or the other, it will blow your mind...)

We were still together. The next few months were hell for me. But I never let it on to her how broken I was inside. I just smiled. We made the most of the next few months. Whatever little time we had together, she made me promise that I would not do anything stupid with my life else she would never forgive herself. She needed me to be alive.  (LG rambles: ROTFL... You are kidding me aren't you. You are already dead man. You freaking Zombie.)

Believe it or not but I helped her with her wedding shopping. Jewelry, clothes et al. Even her bridal outfit. Not to forget, I helped her pick a gift for Manas that she would present to him on their engagement.

She looked absolutely stunning in her bridal dress. I told her that I wanted to run away with her there and then. And she smiled.

These few months we never discussed ‘us’. She did mention a few times that she didn’t know why she was doing this to me. 

She said that I was a nice guy and that she had never come across anyone like me. She asked me to understand what she was doing. And that she was in love with me. Oh yes! I did understand. She was marrying another man because she felt it was her duty and obligation towards her parents. I did understand that she didn’t want to marry me. I did understand that she could not or was afraid of what society would say about her being someones second wife. I did understand that she didn't think it appropriate to think about me while making the decision or even discussing it with me.

But! What I fail to understand to this day is why she never discussed it with me. I fail to understand why she made such a life changing decision on her own. I fail to understand why she didn’t give me a chance. I fail to understand how she could make such a decision without thinking about me and my emotions. I fail to understand how she could think that I would be okay with her marrying another man. I fail to understand how she could think that I could lead a happy and peaceful life with her being married to someone else. I fail to understand why my dreams and hopes are now another man’s reality. I fail to understand how love was not important to her anymore and other things were. I fail to understand how she could do to me what was done to her knowing fully well what she herself went through.

Now, I have just stopped trying to understand anything. Because nothing makes sense to me anymore. The more I think, the more confused, angry, agitated I get.

I did have breakdowns in this period. Told her that the thought of another man being with her would kill me. But I got a grip of myself. She said she needed me to be strong for her to go through with the marriage. But who do I have to be strong for me? (LG rambles: Have you met Mr. Walker and Mr. Daniels?)

She said that she would never forget me. But, does it make a difference if she remembers me or not? Well, not to me. What would I get by her thinking about me? And what would she get by thinking about me? And why? I don't want her to think about me. I want her to want me!

There was a point about a month before her wedding where I totally lost it. I was crying every single day. But this particular week was crazy. It was like a continuous downpour. I had a major meltdown. Whenever we met, I bawled like a baby. There was this one day I cried for two hours non-stop with her. I told her to get married and come back to me. We’d find a reason. But all she said is that she would only come back to me so that I do not hurt myself. I did contemplate hurting myself just to have her back. But no! I had a son and would never do anything to myself. And there’s no way I’d let Bambino live with the thought that she was the cause if anything happened to me. I’d rather live with the thoughts of her leaving me and marrying another man than put her through it. I promised her that I would always take care of myself. And that I’m here for her, through hail or storm, day or night, and will be happy to have her back in my life anytime. And I’ll be waiting with open arms.

And then I met her for the last time about a couple of weeks before her wedding. I proposed to her for what it’s worth; down on one knee and sang to her the first song I had dedicated to her on the radio. We kissed for the last time. We kissed and cried for an hour. And she said to me that “We’ll never meet again after this”. (LG rambles: I hope you sang 'I Wanna Be Your Underwear'. The best love song ever.)

A week before her wedding she told me that she “felt bad leaving me in the lurch”. I told her she didn’t have to feel bad about anything. She thought of her best interest and her happiness and I just wanted her to be happy. And if this brought her happiness, so be it. I was happy for her. But not happy with the situation I was in.

The last time I spoke to her was about 30 minutes before her wedding in the morning. All I could say was “All the best”. I hung up and cried. And cried. And cried. Before I knew it, it was the middle of the night. And I had not yet stopped crying...

Continued on Post Marriage

Love, Sex and Marriage - Jilted in Love #4 - THE SACRIFICIAL GOAT (Part 3)

Continued from The Best Couple of Years

The Proposals

It had been a couple of months since we had started dating. One fine day, she received a proposal on chat from Manas. They had known each other for a while and I knew he had the hots for her. I was on the phone with her and she was on chat with him. She was giving me live commentary of their chat. He told her that his father thought it was a good idea that they get married. She asked him clearly if it was his or his father’s idea and he told her that it was his father’s. She was clear that she did not want to marry him.

Within six months of us dating, I had asked her several times to marry me. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. Father her children. Die in her arms. I gave myself completely to her. She was my priority.

I proposed her, "I want to marry you because you are the first person I want to look at when I wake up in morning and the only one I want to kiss goodnight. The first time I saw these hands, I could not imagine not being able to hold them for the rest of my life. But mainly because when you love someone as much as I love you .... getting married is the only thing left to do. So will you Bambino marry me?"
(LG rambles: Too filmy I say...)

But somewhere she always held back. Proposals started coming for her and we’d discuss them in jest.

Every time a proposal came, I asked her to let me speak with her parents. But she never let me. She cried and asked me not to. I was confused, we were in love with each other but she was not letting me meet her parents. She told me if we wanted to be together then we would have to run away. But I told her that I would never do that. It would be the greatest insult to hurt her family by eloping. As a gentleman, I had in mind to talk to her father and convince him. I believed in myself and us but I don’t think she did. I think she thought that she would fall in her father’s eyes if they knew she was in love and wanted to marry an already married man. She thought they would think that she came between a married couple. Her pride and ego was more important than our love. I was willing to do anything to marry her. But not run away. After all I was a father too. And only want my child to be happy. I explained to her, as a parent, all I wanted was my child to be happy. My son would never be indebted or obligated to me. But for her, she thought it was her duty and obligation towards her parents for having brought her up.

About a year and a half into our relationship we did kind of split up for a month. But the connection and attraction was too strong. We couldn’t be away from each other. We needed each other. And we were together again. I begged her to let me talk to her parents. I had a whole speech prepared for her father. I would meet any and every demand of his. For me, there was nothing greater or more important than spending the rest of my life with her. She was not willing to hear my case. Always insisted that the only way was to elope.

A few months thereafter came the dreaded call from Manas. Again. And this time he spun a whole new story saying that he was in love with her and that he wanted to marry her. A total contrast to what he had said 15-18 months ago, where he too agreed that it was not a good idea getting married. 

And she accepted because... he's a nice guy. (LG rambles: Good for her because you have no Cojones) Without an iota of thought about me, my life, our lives and how I would live without her. Made me wonder how bad a person I was. So bad that she married a person who she didn't want to marry. So bad  that she didn't think it was important enough to discuss with me, though it was my life that was going to be destroyed and changed permanently... for the worse.

And thus began my living nightmare with his dreaded call... 

Click here for the reaction post the call.

Continued on The Beginning of the Ending

Love, Sex and Marriage - Jilted in Love #4 - THE SACRIFICIAL GOAT (Part 2)

Continued from THE SACRIFICIAL GOAT

The Best Couple of Years 

Over the next couple of years we did everything possibly together. And by this I mean spend time together. Movies. Shopping. Eating. Visiting places - it was a lot of fun together! (LG rambles: That's it??) We just wanted to be with each other every minute of the day even if we had nothing to do. Yes, we did have a very electrifying and passionate relationship. But at the back of my mind I always remembered what I told her on the first day and never let myself forget it or the passion override it. No matter how badly we both wanted to. 

I remember the first time we went out of town. It was her first flight and she was as excited as a child in a candy store. I let her sit next to the window. She was thrilled. It was a short but very memorable trip. The first time we were in the room together- Alone. It was awesome. I can never forget it. But in her mind she thought that I had only one thing in mind. But she was so wrong. I never had any such intentions. The only thing I wanted was to be with her alone and have her in my arms and never let go of her. 

Back home, we painted the town red. Went to nearly every eating joint possible. Be it a 5-star or the roadside. We both loved eating and kept trying new places and new cuisines. I never felt this alive! After years of struggle I had finally found true love and happiness. I was never happier. I was thankful to GOD. 

Every spare minute of ours was spent together. The saddest part was dropping her home every evening. But again, we were in touch 24/7. The minute I dropped her home we’d be on the phone. Then chat through dinner. Chat late at night or then video chat ;-). Yes you can let your mind run wild. ;-) 

I was doing things that I never thought possible or had any interest to do. I was loving it now. She made me feel loved. I found shopping a chore. But with her it was the best thing on this planet. We would spend hours just walking around malls and shops. Oh and there were some escapades in the changing rooms ;-) 

I used to be a quiet, introverted sort of guy. Always thinking. Always stressed. But with Bambino in my life, life itself became a breeze. Nothing seemed difficult. I felt I was invincible. I tackled any and every issue with full confidence. I lived life to the fullest. Rather, WE lived life to the fullest. She made me want to be a better man. (LG rambles: You think you are Jack Nicholson in As Good As It Gets??) She opened up doors for me that I didn’t know existed. Life was one happy and exciting adventure with her. She was my good luck charm. My four-leaf clover. My rabbit foot. My evil-eye charm. Everything... Anything I touched back then, turned to Gold. And now, just the opposite, even Gold turns to dust. (LG rambles: crow shit is luck too right?)

Though it were the best years of my life, all was not smooth. We did have our issues but it was about her doubting my love and her confusion about being in love with an already married man. I did everything to make her feel comfortable. I had to prove my love to her everyday. And I enjoyed doing it. I wanted to make her fall in love with me everyday for the rest of my life. (LG rambles: You think you are Adam Sandler in 50 First Dates?) I wanted to see and hear her the first and last thing everyday. (LG rambles: Ryan Reynolds in Definitely Maybe?) There was no better feeling than loving her. 

But she could never get the thought out of her head that she would never be my first wife. She kept telling me why I didn’t wait for her. How could I have? I didn’t even know she existed back then. If I could turn back time, I’d wait for her and make her my first and only wife. There were days where she would be in a sulk and I’d do everything to get that smile back. She had the most gorgeous smile I’d ever seen. Her smile could literally make a dead man come to life. Such was the energy and life in it. But now her smiles are only for another. 

No woman ever made me feel like she did. She could turn me on just by smiling or a simple cute ‘hello’. We didn’t have to be physical. Just holding her hands titillated me. I just loved the way she took my name and it would stimulate my entire being. Such was her effect on me. You may call me a bad father, but there were times I chose to spend time with her than with my son. But Bambino was my priority. She meant more to me than everything else in my life. She was and is My Love. My Life. My Everything. 

At last, I could feel that life was worth living and being enjoyed. And for the first time in my life I WANTED to live.

Continued... The Proposals

Love, Sex and Marriage - Jilted in Love #4 - THE SACRIFICIAL GOAT

My God! It's been a while, over 5 weeks. But you can't blame me. My friend took ages to write. And then he sent me a monster post of 10,000 words. I've barely gone thru half of it, editing and rewriting. It's too long for one post, so I've split it up chapter-wise starting with 'The Beginning' and 'The Big Day'. In all 9 Chapters to be posted. Maybe 1 or 2 a week.

Believe you me. It’s not an easy one to edit, rewrite or read. Keep some tissues handy. 

Refer to #3 Charles and Bambino in my earlier post for background.

Cheers!

xxxxxxxxxx

THE SACRIFICIAL GOAT

“WHAT!!!???” ... The phone almost slipping from my hand. Felt like someone had punched a hole in my chest, squeezed and pulled my heart out; at the same time my head was spinning faster than the Earth’s rotation and my legs shaking and giving way. My entire body fell back onto the bed - lifeless. I feebly said “Yup. We’ll meet tomorrow.” 

I had just heard what no person would ever want to hear from the person they are in love with. The person they wanted to marry. The person whom they wanted to grow old with and die in their arms.

“Manas called me and asked me to marry him. I want to marry him. I want to be happy and my family will be happy too” said Bambino on the phone to me.

I just lay motionless on the bed staring at the fan. Thinking and not thinking at the same time. My mind racing all over the place. Not knowing what to make out off what I had just heard on the phone. My life as I knew ended that day.

I locked myself in the room and I cried. Cried for hours. All afternoon, evening and night, till I could cry no more. And then cried some more...

I do not expect you’ll to understand what I’m going through but to have a sense of it just ask yourself the following questions.

The person who you are in love with and who means everything to you and even says they are in love with you, someone you gave your entire being to - your mind, body, heart and soul, does the following:

• makes a life changing decision without considering your feelings and emotions like marrying someone else without even discussing it with you or asking you what would you do with your life and how would you live without them 
• does not give you a chance or allowing you to talk to their parents though in the past they were to marry someone who tried to molest them and married someone who they were clear that they will not marry 
• tells you that they want to live in peace and be happy and that you should be happy with the decision 
• tells you that they want to love another person and make a life with them 
• tells you that you’ll made a decision and now you’ll have to live with it though you were never part of the decision making 
• tells you to forget them and go back and continue with your sad, depressed, life 
• tells you that they never thought about you or the impact the decision would have on you 
• accuses you of playing safe and not being serious about them, though you gave everything in the relationship
• tells you that no matter what, even if they are unhappy, will never come back to you 
• tells you that you are being selfish while completely ignoring the fact that it is they who did the decision making only thinking about themselves 

Even after asking these questions to yourself, you will not understand the enormity, complexity and the full extent of my mental framework and the affect it has had on my life. (LG rambles: True buddy. My heart goes out to you. Forget a friend, I would not want something like this to happen to my enemy.)

Well that’s my story. So here goes...


The Beginning 

Going back half a decade, Bambino waltzed into my life as a breath of fresh air. I didn’t know it then but it was love at first sight. Neither did she. We hit it off from the first day we met. She was an angel sent to Earth. Her eyes were full of life and and energy and twinkled like the stars. Her voice was soft, soothing and melodious. The sound of her laughter was titillating. And when she smiled, the world became a brighter, better, happier place to live in. And yes she was absolutely stunning to look at.

Our chemistry was just electrifying. But there was one issue. Actually two pretty big ones: 1) she was engaged to be married in a few months and, 2) I was married with a three-year-old son. Well estranged is a better word. I was not looking for love and had resigned myself to my fate of not having love in my life and living only for my son. On the other hand she was looking forward to her wedding and blissful married life. Shortly thereafter it all crumbled for her. I was happy for her that it didn’t work out as he did try to molest her a couple of times. In spite of this, she did give him a chance and had planned to marry him. Nevertheless she was still shattered.

The next few months were terrible for her. She was torn and emotionally battered. I didn’t know what to tell her as I had never been in her situation. (LG rambles: Well you are now :-) ) Stood by her as her pillar of strength to make her feel better, to make her smile and laugh once again. It was a slow and tedious progress and she was back to her bubbly, charming self in a matter of a few months. The ever beaming smile on her face. The stars in her eyes. Her sweet melodious voice. The carefree loving person I knew.  Were all  back!

We were pretty good friends by then. Spoke and texted a lot but never really met alone. Always with friends. But whenever we were together, we had a blast. We were fond of each other but we had our boundaries.

Soon, we landed up spending a lot of time together. I was like the friend she never had. We had become the best of buddies and each other’s confidants. In those few months, we got to know each other better than ever. We had no secrets. No one ever got me like her. Slowly, I realised that the 2 of us were connected on multiple levels - Mentally, Physically, Spiritually & Emotionally. Though we were from different backgrounds, we enjoyed each other’s company. We spent hours on the phone and chat. Be it snacking at a road-side joint or enjoying a quite meal in a 5-star, shopping in the by-lanes or exclusive boutiques. We were just so comfortable around each other. We were like 2 halves of the same soul. We were soulmates.

We were terribly attracted to each other but both of us never looked at each other romantically. Some of our friends even commented or rather thought we were dating. But we just laughed it off. We were buddies. Well that’s what we thought then.

We grew closer than ever and knew each other's most intimate, deepest,  darkest and scariest secrets. At some point, about 15-18 months of meeting her, I travelled out of town for a couple of weeks. Though we spoke a couple of times in the day and were always chatting and texting, I missed her presence like hell. Couldn’t get that sweet floral scent, her tingling laughter and her dazzling smile out of my head. I was terribly confused, in an estranged marriage, never thought of finding love or falling in love. I had resigned myself to my fate where I get to meet my son every now and then and rest of the time focus on work. But was extremely glad to return and meet her and spend time with her. This made me most happy and contended.

I knew something was different in me and us. But couldn't decipher what. We both suddenly wanted each other more than ever.

The Big Day

The week I returned, we spent a lot of time together. We did things which we never did before like meeting up mid-day for lunch. Or leaving work early to catch a movie and dinner. There was this one day we had a spat for some silly reason earlier in the day. We were to meet our friends and coincidentally we both arrived early and were alone together. I was not talking to her and from the corner of my eye I could see her looking at me. And when I looked up at her she turned away and I saw her quickly wipe a tear from her eyes. My heart just melted. And BANG! I knew I was in love with her. I smiled and held out my hand to her and she put her soft dainty hands in mine. This was the first time I had held her hand. I have no words to describe the feeling. I could feel the love, passion and connection between us. Her face said it all and I gave her hand a light squeeze and smiled and she lit up like a X'mas tree.

We didn’t wait for the others to come and left the place. Took her to a park just so that we could walk and talk. It was the first time we went to a park. (LG rambles: That's all you'll did??? Talk!!??? No wonder she dumped your sorry ass) It was heavenly. I said, "I have to tell you something. ummm ... ahhhh",  I couldn’t get the damn words out. I didn’t know if she felt the same. She had just recovered from her break-up. It was emotionally hard on her. I thought she would slap me or something. She knew I wanted to say it and kept coaxing me saying, "It's ok. You can tell me whatever you want to", but I just couldn’t. Thoughts were racing through my mind. What would she think of me? We were the best of friends. Am I taking advantage of her? Have I misread the feelings? So I just told her, "You are more than a friend to me. I care for you deeply and will never let any harm come your way. I want you to be happy. Always!" (LG rambles: You freaking moron. You have no Cojones.)

I couldn't sleep that night. Excited and nervous. Twisting and turning in bed. Could not stop thinking about her. I knew I had to tell her.

The next day I told her I wanted to meet her. I picked her up and we sat in the car, sharing coconut water. And she drank most of it. In her sweet, sensual voice she said, "Just say it. I will not think anything bad about you" and then smiled, like she knew what I wanted to say. But I had a big lump in my throat. Finally, I mustered up some courage and said, "I'm  in love with you. I've been in love with you since the first day I laid my eyes on you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you and die in your arms."

Silence...

It seemed that everything had suddenly come to a standstill, waiting for her to react. I was waiting for her hand to smack me on the face. But she just smiled and said. "I don't know if it's love or what, but I do care for you a lot and I've been having these mixed emotions too." After all I was still married and not divorced.

I said to her, "I do not have any ulterior motive and will never take advantage of you. I'm in love with you and till we are married we will not have sex ". And yes! I did uphold that promise though on numerous occasions we desperately wanted each other. It took all my strength and will power to stick by my word. (LG rambles: Moron! If she wanted it, should have given it. No Cojones.) We did have a very passionate relationship. Why I said that to her? Simple. Incase we never got married, I didn’t want her to think any less of herself. It was important to her. And hence to me. Also to remove any doubt of my intention or feelings for her. Though she always doubted my love for her.

The following day we had our first date and the first time I kissed her and hugged her. It all felt so comfortable. Her body nestled in mine. As if our bodies were 2 parts of the same jigsaw. There was no awkwardness. Mind you the kiss was on her cheek. It was only the next day, a sunday, that we really kissed. (LG rambles: Haven't you heard the song 'Never on a Sunday') It was mind blowing. I still remember it. Again, there was no awkwardness like when two people kiss for the first time. It all just flowed. Like our lips were meant for each other's. It was electrifying, like a million watts shooting through my body. Some minutes later I could not stand. My head was fuzzy and my legs weak. Never felt like this ever. And we just sat, holding each other smiling. We both knew we had found our soulmates.

A few days later she told me that she was in love with me. That WAS and STILL is the happiest day of my life. Can never forget it. It meant more to me than holding my new born baby in my arms. I still remember her words and how coyly she said, "I've fallen in love with you"

And as they say, the rest was/is history...

Continued... The Best Couple of Years