Love, Sex and Marriage - Jilted in Love #4 - THE SACRIFICIAL GOAT

My God! It's been a while, over 5 weeks. But you can't blame me. My friend took ages to write. And then he sent me a monster post of 10,000 words. I've barely gone thru half of it, editing and rewriting. It's too long for one post, so I've split it up chapter-wise starting with 'The Beginning' and 'The Big Day'. In all 9 Chapters to be posted. Maybe 1 or 2 a week.

Believe you me. It’s not an easy one to edit, rewrite or read. Keep some tissues handy. 

Refer to #3 Charles and Bambino in my earlier post for background.

Cheers!

xxxxxxxxxx

THE SACRIFICIAL GOAT

“WHAT!!!???” ... The phone almost slipping from my hand. Felt like someone had punched a hole in my chest, squeezed and pulled my heart out; at the same time my head was spinning faster than the Earth’s rotation and my legs shaking and giving way. My entire body fell back onto the bed - lifeless. I feebly said “Yup. We’ll meet tomorrow.” 

I had just heard what no person would ever want to hear from the person they are in love with. The person they wanted to marry. The person whom they wanted to grow old with and die in their arms.

“Manas called me and asked me to marry him. I want to marry him. I want to be happy and my family will be happy too” said Bambino on the phone to me.

I just lay motionless on the bed staring at the fan. Thinking and not thinking at the same time. My mind racing all over the place. Not knowing what to make out off what I had just heard on the phone. My life as I knew ended that day.

I locked myself in the room and I cried. Cried for hours. All afternoon, evening and night, till I could cry no more. And then cried some more...

I do not expect you’ll to understand what I’m going through but to have a sense of it just ask yourself the following questions.

The person who you are in love with and who means everything to you and even says they are in love with you, someone you gave your entire being to - your mind, body, heart and soul, does the following:

• makes a life changing decision without considering your feelings and emotions like marrying someone else without even discussing it with you or asking you what would you do with your life and how would you live without them 
• does not give you a chance or allowing you to talk to their parents though in the past they were to marry someone who tried to molest them and married someone who they were clear that they will not marry 
• tells you that they want to live in peace and be happy and that you should be happy with the decision 
• tells you that they want to love another person and make a life with them 
• tells you that you’ll made a decision and now you’ll have to live with it though you were never part of the decision making 
• tells you to forget them and go back and continue with your sad, depressed, life 
• tells you that they never thought about you or the impact the decision would have on you 
• accuses you of playing safe and not being serious about them, though you gave everything in the relationship
• tells you that no matter what, even if they are unhappy, will never come back to you 
• tells you that you are being selfish while completely ignoring the fact that it is they who did the decision making only thinking about themselves 

Even after asking these questions to yourself, you will not understand the enormity, complexity and the full extent of my mental framework and the affect it has had on my life. (LG rambles: True buddy. My heart goes out to you. Forget a friend, I would not want something like this to happen to my enemy.)

Well that’s my story. So here goes...


The Beginning 

Going back half a decade, Bambino waltzed into my life as a breath of fresh air. I didn’t know it then but it was love at first sight. Neither did she. We hit it off from the first day we met. She was an angel sent to Earth. Her eyes were full of life and and energy and twinkled like the stars. Her voice was soft, soothing and melodious. The sound of her laughter was titillating. And when she smiled, the world became a brighter, better, happier place to live in. And yes she was absolutely stunning to look at.

Our chemistry was just electrifying. But there was one issue. Actually two pretty big ones: 1) she was engaged to be married in a few months and, 2) I was married with a three-year-old son. Well estranged is a better word. I was not looking for love and had resigned myself to my fate of not having love in my life and living only for my son. On the other hand she was looking forward to her wedding and blissful married life. Shortly thereafter it all crumbled for her. I was happy for her that it didn’t work out as he did try to molest her a couple of times. In spite of this, she did give him a chance and had planned to marry him. Nevertheless she was still shattered.

The next few months were terrible for her. She was torn and emotionally battered. I didn’t know what to tell her as I had never been in her situation. (LG rambles: Well you are now :-) ) Stood by her as her pillar of strength to make her feel better, to make her smile and laugh once again. It was a slow and tedious progress and she was back to her bubbly, charming self in a matter of a few months. The ever beaming smile on her face. The stars in her eyes. Her sweet melodious voice. The carefree loving person I knew.  Were all  back!

We were pretty good friends by then. Spoke and texted a lot but never really met alone. Always with friends. But whenever we were together, we had a blast. We were fond of each other but we had our boundaries.

Soon, we landed up spending a lot of time together. I was like the friend she never had. We had become the best of buddies and each other’s confidants. In those few months, we got to know each other better than ever. We had no secrets. No one ever got me like her. Slowly, I realised that the 2 of us were connected on multiple levels - Mentally, Physically, Spiritually & Emotionally. Though we were from different backgrounds, we enjoyed each other’s company. We spent hours on the phone and chat. Be it snacking at a road-side joint or enjoying a quite meal in a 5-star, shopping in the by-lanes or exclusive boutiques. We were just so comfortable around each other. We were like 2 halves of the same soul. We were soulmates.

We were terribly attracted to each other but both of us never looked at each other romantically. Some of our friends even commented or rather thought we were dating. But we just laughed it off. We were buddies. Well that’s what we thought then.

We grew closer than ever and knew each other's most intimate, deepest,  darkest and scariest secrets. At some point, about 15-18 months of meeting her, I travelled out of town for a couple of weeks. Though we spoke a couple of times in the day and were always chatting and texting, I missed her presence like hell. Couldn’t get that sweet floral scent, her tingling laughter and her dazzling smile out of my head. I was terribly confused, in an estranged marriage, never thought of finding love or falling in love. I had resigned myself to my fate where I get to meet my son every now and then and rest of the time focus on work. But was extremely glad to return and meet her and spend time with her. This made me most happy and contended.

I knew something was different in me and us. But couldn't decipher what. We both suddenly wanted each other more than ever.

The Big Day

The week I returned, we spent a lot of time together. We did things which we never did before like meeting up mid-day for lunch. Or leaving work early to catch a movie and dinner. There was this one day we had a spat for some silly reason earlier in the day. We were to meet our friends and coincidentally we both arrived early and were alone together. I was not talking to her and from the corner of my eye I could see her looking at me. And when I looked up at her she turned away and I saw her quickly wipe a tear from her eyes. My heart just melted. And BANG! I knew I was in love with her. I smiled and held out my hand to her and she put her soft dainty hands in mine. This was the first time I had held her hand. I have no words to describe the feeling. I could feel the love, passion and connection between us. Her face said it all and I gave her hand a light squeeze and smiled and she lit up like a X'mas tree.

We didn’t wait for the others to come and left the place. Took her to a park just so that we could walk and talk. It was the first time we went to a park. (LG rambles: That's all you'll did??? Talk!!??? No wonder she dumped your sorry ass) It was heavenly. I said, "I have to tell you something. ummm ... ahhhh",  I couldn’t get the damn words out. I didn’t know if she felt the same. She had just recovered from her break-up. It was emotionally hard on her. I thought she would slap me or something. She knew I wanted to say it and kept coaxing me saying, "It's ok. You can tell me whatever you want to", but I just couldn’t. Thoughts were racing through my mind. What would she think of me? We were the best of friends. Am I taking advantage of her? Have I misread the feelings? So I just told her, "You are more than a friend to me. I care for you deeply and will never let any harm come your way. I want you to be happy. Always!" (LG rambles: You freaking moron. You have no Cojones.)

I couldn't sleep that night. Excited and nervous. Twisting and turning in bed. Could not stop thinking about her. I knew I had to tell her.

The next day I told her I wanted to meet her. I picked her up and we sat in the car, sharing coconut water. And she drank most of it. In her sweet, sensual voice she said, "Just say it. I will not think anything bad about you" and then smiled, like she knew what I wanted to say. But I had a big lump in my throat. Finally, I mustered up some courage and said, "I'm  in love with you. I've been in love with you since the first day I laid my eyes on you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you and die in your arms."

Silence...

It seemed that everything had suddenly come to a standstill, waiting for her to react. I was waiting for her hand to smack me on the face. But she just smiled and said. "I don't know if it's love or what, but I do care for you a lot and I've been having these mixed emotions too." After all I was still married and not divorced.

I said to her, "I do not have any ulterior motive and will never take advantage of you. I'm in love with you and till we are married we will not have sex ". And yes! I did uphold that promise though on numerous occasions we desperately wanted each other. It took all my strength and will power to stick by my word. (LG rambles: Moron! If she wanted it, should have given it. No Cojones.) We did have a very passionate relationship. Why I said that to her? Simple. Incase we never got married, I didn’t want her to think any less of herself. It was important to her. And hence to me. Also to remove any doubt of my intention or feelings for her. Though she always doubted my love for her.

The following day we had our first date and the first time I kissed her and hugged her. It all felt so comfortable. Her body nestled in mine. As if our bodies were 2 parts of the same jigsaw. There was no awkwardness. Mind you the kiss was on her cheek. It was only the next day, a sunday, that we really kissed. (LG rambles: Haven't you heard the song 'Never on a Sunday') It was mind blowing. I still remember it. Again, there was no awkwardness like when two people kiss for the first time. It all just flowed. Like our lips were meant for each other's. It was electrifying, like a million watts shooting through my body. Some minutes later I could not stand. My head was fuzzy and my legs weak. Never felt like this ever. And we just sat, holding each other smiling. We both knew we had found our soulmates.

A few days later she told me that she was in love with me. That WAS and STILL is the happiest day of my life. Can never forget it. It meant more to me than holding my new born baby in my arms. I still remember her words and how coyly she said, "I've fallen in love with you"

And as they say, the rest was/is history...

Continued... The Best Couple of Years