Love, Sex and Marriage - Jilted in Love #4 - THE SACRIFICIAL GOAT (Part 6)

Continued form Post Marriage

My Emotions and Feeling over the past couple of years. 

To put it simply. If she had done this to a friend of mine I would have ensured that her life was as disturbed as my friend’s. I would have ensured that everyone knew about what she did, her family, his family, friends et al. I would have taken chat transcripts and emails that could have literally caused a stir in her family. You know, tarnished her image for life. (LG ramble: Don't kid yourself buddy. You'd never do it)

For a split second, I even thought of filing a police complaint that she cheated me. Ok, I did speak with a lawyer and showed him some of our mails and chats. (LG rambles: R U freaking serious and outta yr mind ???) He asked me if I was serious because this had the potential of causing serious damage and that nothing positive would come out of this but would wreck havoc in her life. He asked me if I was in love with her, then I should be happy for her and forget everything. He told me to let her live her life and it was not for me to cause any complications etc. And that one day she would realise what she did to me was incorrect, selfish, inhuman and heartless, not that of marrying another man but that of not having a discussion or thinking about me and totally ignoring the fact that I was human and had feelings and emotions and abandoning me.

He also asked me not to stoop so low, maybe I felt that my life was damaged but I had no right to damage another person's. He explained to me that he saw several such cases a week, nearly all were women, then too he would try to resolve the matter without going to court. Some had even attempted suicide. Some were willing to put false rape charges on the man and he reminded me that she too could do that to me. And knowing Indian courts, I could be put away until proven innocent. I was livid. I was emotionally raped, cheated and deceived and my lawyer's telling me to let it go! After a while I calmed down. Well that was the end of that. Never thought about it again.

Well she didn’t only cheat me. But she did cheat both of us out of love and a future. But no! I do love her and care for her and she is important to me and cannot see her harmed, unhappy in anyway. She may have left me and crushed my dreams but I will not crush hers. I will never let harm come her way. I pray to GOD that whatever it may be befall me so that she can live a happy and stress free life. (LG rambles: who doesn't want an easy and stress free life. Guess you don't)

Bambino did to me exactly what her ex did to her. She did to me what my wife did to me. One fine day I come home and found my wife ready with bags saying she’s leaving. Just like that. No discussion. Nothing. Trust me. You’ll can’t even imagine the mental and emotional trauma I’ve been through. At least my wife walking out on me wasn’t that bad. I could see it coming but still it was a shocker. But what Bambino did, I could never have imagined it even in my nightmares. More so after going through something like this herself. So that really makes me wonder, what did I mean to her? What was I to her? That she could just leave me stranded at the drop of a hat. Not give me a chance? Heck, not even think of me while making the decision. (LG rambles: You meant nothing. Now get over it)

You know. In a man’s world, it’s always better to be a woman, because they can get away with anything without even so much as a scratch on them. (LG rambles: You got that right. Look at Maria Susairaj) Imagine if I did this to her. People would go hammer and tongs against me. Just bec I'm a man means it's ok that it happened to me, but I would have been castigated by the one and all if I had done something similar to her.

By no means has it been an easy period for me. Well it’s almost 2 years now and I still cry every now and then. My life’s not been the same. Doctors and hospital visits. Medication. Psychotic disorder. Nervous and emotional breakdowns. Been through it all and continue to do so. I’ve become Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. 2 totally opposite people in one body. Half of me is filled with hurt, anger, resentment, morbid, negative thoughts. The other half only love. Torn between both. It takes all my strength to keep Hyde in control. Trying really hard to get him out of my life, out of my head. (LG rambles: I love magic pills ;-) )

Well earlier I asked you to pose some questions to yourself. Did you? Again I don’t think you can feel what I feel but you do get the drift of my thoughts.

The months to her wedding was an absolute killer. Finished me emotionally and physically. But I still managed to keep a smile. And post the wedding I felt like a zombie. Still trying to get a grip with reality. Thanx to the meds, friends, therapist and group, they are keeping my mind and me in control.

Initially, I beat myself up emotionally. Blamed myself for everything. Kept thinking what was wrong with me that she had to do something so drastic. Am I that bad a person? That of not giving me a chance. That of not even thinking about me and my life. That of deciding to get married to the man she said she had no intention of marrying. That of giving a man a chance who tried to molest her. Is this the price I have to pay for having been married? Is her pride and ego so big that it stopped her from marrying me? Was I a stop-gap arrangement for her till a good enough proposal came along? Why me? What was lacking in me? What did I do to her to deserve such treatment from her? (LG rambles: Not in you  but in her - Belief & Trust)

Maybe I just didn't know the real Bambino. Maybe what I knew or thought I knew, loving, caring, sweet, generous, sensitive, gentle,  was just a mirage. Possibly a figment of my imagination. Maybe the real Bambino is selfish and heartless and only thinks about herself without really caring what's going to happen to the other person. Maybe my love for her blinded me and made me see her as how I wanted to see her and not for the person she was. (LG rambles: Get rid of your rose-tinted glasses buddy. Wake up and smell the coffee beans or your socks)

In the past she told me if we had to be together than we should elope. Not once but quite a few times. But I put my foot down and told her that we would never run away and that I'd talk to her father man-to-man and give him the respect he deserved. After all what do parents want for their children? To be happy right! Imagine if I had said yes and eloped. What would her parents go through? What would society say then? It would have been so easy for me to elope with her, but I thought of her and her parents. Imagine the social humiliation they would have had to face if we eloped. But you know what, she didn't think about it. I did and refused to elope bec her family was important to her and equally important to me. Maybe that was my mistake. (LG rambles: Interesting. The same person who abandoned you because she was afraid of society calling her your 2nd wife. Hypocrite!)

The thought of another man being with her would drive me crazy. Still does though. (LG rambles: She should be driving the other man crazy not you ;-) ROTFL)  But with meditation am more at peace and these thoughts just pass without disturbing me... too much that is. I just wanted to end it all. It was too much for me to handle. Was this the price I had to pay for falling in love? For giving myself up completely. Mind. Body. Heart and Soul. And left with nothing but thoughts? I wish she had shot me in the head before marrying another man so I would not have had to live to see this day, my love marrying another man, or to live through the feelings and emotion, of her being with another man. (LG rambles: My double-barreled shotgun offer is still open)

Don’t people get married to people who have been married before? Celebrities. Politicians. Sportspeople. Saif/Kareena - not yet married but he’s been married before, Boney/Sridevi, Shashi Tharoor, Anil Kumble, Mahesh Bhupathi, Sanjay Dutt, Aamir Khan, Karishma Kapoor, Hema Malini... to name a few.

What was I supposed to do? Go back to my wife who I didn’t have a relationship with? That’s exactly what she told me. And a few months after her wedding she even told me if things were that bad then why don’t I just divorce my wife. And I was shocked. How much worse could it be? Estranged marriage. I fell in love with Bambino. I wanted to marry and have a family with her. And spend every living moment by her side.

While we were together she never let me. And now? Because she’s happily married and if I did divorce my wife now it would not reflect on her. It wouldn’t have reflected on her earlier too. Bec my wife and I were estranged before we even met. What gave her the right to tell me now?! Is she feeling guilty or bad that my life is in tatters and her’s is soaring on the path of love and happiness? But why should it concern her anyways? When she had to be concerned and think about me she didn’t. Why now then? To show me how wonderful her life is and how sucky mine is? That she made the right choice by leaving me stranded? Rubbing salt in my raw wounds. (LG rambles: You are right. You or your life has no bearing on her's so can it dude)

I gave up everything for love and she gave up love for everything. Well she now has everything! A good, comfortable and secured life. The love of her husband. A loving family. Above all, a life that she knew I would not be able to provide her. I’m happy for her. Maybe she already knew that she would not be happy with me and hence married another man without considering my feeling and emotions. T'was a no brainer for her.

After the call to her husband, she told me that I broke her heart and trust. But, what did she do to me? Didn’t she do the same? Actually worse. Not only did she break my heart and trust, but played with my feelings, emotions and life. While I did it to try to save her from what she was going through not abandon her. In love, I gave her my entire being, the power to destroy me... and she did!

I asked her what if I was not strong enough to live through what I am and gave up my life. Would she be able to live with the fact that bec of her someone is no more. Or that a young boy would grow up without a father? Or my parents living without their son? Or my siblings not having a brother? And you know what? She didn’t think anything except about herself and her family. Sometimes I wish to just end it and let her live with these thoughts. Let’s see if she will be able to survive even a day. Well, now, it may not even affect her. Or maybe back then too. Else how can anyone do something like this. All she told me was "You can cope with it", while she was have a jolly good time.

You know. I love my son to bits. I’d do pretty much anything for him. Just short of killing someone. Maybe I’d do that too. At times, I look at him and think that he is the reason am not with Bambino and I actually thought to myself once that if he didn't exist I would have been with Bambino. What a bastard I am right? Bec she said that she didn’t want to separate a father from his child. Initially, it was tough for me to look at him. But now I know he’s not the reason. Maybe she was just thinking of excuses and reasons for not marrying me. Rather than thinking of reasons to marry me. She needed only one reason to marry me but made a million excuses not to.

Her latest excuses after 18 months were: 

1. You said that all love never ends in marriage 
2. You said you would keep both of us 

And these were said immediately after she said she wanted to apologise to me for not including me in the decision and not thinking about my feeling and emotions. After 18 months, a bulb went on in her head. (LG rambles: Double battery. Single Power) And why? Bec she asked me about my health and I said I was not doing too good. I don’t want an apology. I don’t want anything. Suddenly she was concerned about my health, well-being and life. For what? When she had to she didn’t. Why now then? How does it make her life a difference if my health is deteriorating or not? Whether I live or die? Whether I’m happy or sad? Pity and sympathy for me I guess. But hey! I don’t want any favors or alms from anyone. Specially one who deserted me. I asked her to apologise to herself and not me. Bec she too lost out on something special. Or maybe she didn’t! Any why should she apologise? She didn’t do anything wrong. All her reasons were justified and hence requires no apologies or explanation.

I didn’t know whether to laugh, cry or kill myself. I mean, come on. You apologise and then give more reasons? It’s like hugging someone and then stabbing them in the back with the same hand. I reminded her that I said “All love never ends in marriage” right at the beginning of our relationship and a couple of months later I began asking her to marry me. So how can this be a reason?

On the 2nd point, I reminded her that I had said “I’d keep you both” in jest to whenever she commented that I was enjoying life with 2 women, my estranged wife and her. Me and enjoying life? With 2 women? Heck I could not enjoy life with 1. I told her that I was as serious in having 2 wives simultaneously as she was in saying I was enjoying life with 2 women. Not only my estranged wife, but she would keep making jibes at me that I was seeing other women behind her back and actually accused me with a couple of them. Well I knew she was kidding, but thinking bout it now, I don't think she was, maybe another justified reason for her to leave me stranded. With her I never looked at another woman let alone wanting to do anything with them.

As usual no response. She then started making other excuses, saying that she went ahead and said yes because I had apparently again told her on one of our dates that “all love doesn’t end in marriage” and hence when his proposal came the second time she agreed. When I had to remind her that this was after she had already told him and the family yes. I gave her the date and venue where we met and what we discussed. Finally I told her, she can make any number of reasons and excuses and all were justified for her marrying another man and not discussing anything with me. I was just so damn tired of listening to them. As long as the reasons and excuses make her happy, then good for her. She can be satisfied that she did no wrong and live peacefully and happy.

So moving on..

I sleep in fits and starts. At night I don’t want to sleep because am too scared of losing control of my conscious mind. And in the morning don’t want to wake up. I go to bed and wake up looking at the empty side where she would have lain. Thinking that her husband will get to see her the first and last thing everyday.  Thought of another man kissing her lips and caressing her body. To make me forget these, a friend suggested I watch porn. But that was almost a fatal error. From just being thoughts, they were graphic thoughts and images in my mind. It drove me crazy almost to the point of hurting myself. Kept getting thoughts of his slimy, snaky hands wrapped around her body. Bambino looking at me with searching eyes asking me to do something, but I was tied down by her and looked back her her helplessly, seeing him devour her. (LG rambles: What an idea for a tattoo. Naked chick with black snake wrapped around her. Awesome. Thanx)

It took me months to recover from this episode. Extended therapy sessions, more medication. Finally I started meditation. I had to gain control of my mind and did not want to rely on medication and others' support all the time. The permanent solution was me getting back control of my mind a body.

The medication has taken a toll on my body and have undergone not only physical but also mental and emotional change. I’m not as strong as I once was. My confidence, security, trust everything has been shattered and I do not even know where and how to begin to piece my life back. I’m not even a shadow of the man I once was. But I only know that I have to be strong and keep living. I cannot give up on life. My son needs me. And I cannot let her live with thoughts if anything happens to me. I rather live with the thoughts myself.

For the first few months I couldn’t even get myself to go out. All the places just reminded me of our times together. Shopping. Eating. Movies. There were a couple of instances where I actually visited a particular restaurant and shop and walked out immediately before I broke down. I’ve not bought anything in the past 2 years, just can’t get myself to. I think or rather get thoughts of her doing these things with her husband. Vacationing, Weekends, Dinners, Movies et al. The only person who will keep hurting in this situation is me. And most when she has children. I’m not sure how I will handle it but I have to prepare myself mentally. (LG rambles: Duh. No you don't. It's her problem not yours)

Unfortunately we have common friends and barring a couple no one knew or even know about us. So off and on they do talk about her and I just listen and stare blankly and try not to register what they are talking. I wanted to move out of this godforsaken city, but can’t for my entire life is built in and around it.

Fortunately or unfortunately, my work demands that I travel. And I have to transit not only through the airport she left and returned from her honeymoon but also to the city where she began her honeymoon. My first trip out was an emotional mess. I was nervous, jittery whatever you may say. I almost walked out of the airport. Well I did actually. Had a few cigarettes and then went back in. But I was a nervous wreck. Am sure I had the eyes of most of the security staff on me. I looked suspicious and nervous. I couldn’t even sit in the lounge, so I headed to the smoking room and spent the next 30 mins smoking one cigarette after another. I was doing it to while away the time. It still affects me when I transit through the airport. Thoughts and emotions flash by but, I’ve gotten used to living with them. I still try to spend as little time as I can at the airport. I web check-in most of the time and pack in such a way that I do not have to check-in my bags so that I can make a quick getaway. I even try not to fly the same airline that she flew. Yes I know you think I’m crazy. Everybody does. But again everybody is not going through or experiencing what I am. (LG rambles: Who cares. It's your problem. Deal with it man)

My friends have asked me to try dating other women but am not open to it. And some even suggested trying to make it work with my wife. I was set up on a couple of dates. But they were disasters. I can’t even think of going out with another woman, I’m in love with Bambino. Just because Bambino can go and love, create dreams and a future with another does not mean I can or have to. Am I being fair to the other women, using them in trying to get over Bambino? They are not a piece of flesh to me, they are human, with feelings and emotions. And I’m not gonna play with theirs like how mine were played with.

Forget being intimate with another woman, I can’t get myself to hold their hands or have a conversation. Just the thought of another woman touching me not only scares me but affects me emotionally. Because deep down I am committed to Bambino. People tell me that she’s a just another woman and I’ll get over her soon. But is it so? Is it so easy to get over your loved one? Someone you wanted to spend the rest of your life with? To get the thoughts out of your mind? It’s easy for people to say it when they have not experienced it or going through it.

For the matter of fact, she even told me that if she can do it then why not me? Uh hello?! She was not the one to get dumped on her sorry ass and left to pick up the pieces of her life and heart. Her dreams and future were not crushed while her loved one is enjoying her life and creating a future with another. Maybe it’s easy for her to love another and find happiness, passion, romance but I’m not her. She doesn’t know what it is to be in love with someone. To give your entire being to someone. Love and life is not a game for me. One minute here and the next minute with someone else. That’s not my cup of tea. Sorry! But again she's not me. And she did this on her own free will unlike it being thrusted and forced upon me. (LG rambles: Accept it and move on already!!)

On second thoughts, she is right. If she can then why not me? I’m mentally and emotionally screwed up, but why should I stop myself from the carnal pleasures of the body! Moreover she’s definitely doing it a few times a week maybe even a few times a day.

While we were together for 2 1/2 years, we never had sex, because I gave her my word that till we were married we would not. It was not easy to abstain from it but I did, only because I was in love with her and wanted to marry her. There was this one time when I told her I wanted to make love to her. She held my hand and led me to the room. It was a really intense moment and it took all my will power to control. While we were not having sex, we were intimate  - emotionally and spiritually. Put together all the sex that I had had before meeting Bambino, paled in front of the feelings, emotions and passion she would stir up in me by just holding my hands. (LG rambles: Duh! You can't compare oranges to bananas)

People say time heals all. But thats a whole load of crap. With time I have just learnt to live with it and bear it. Scratch lightly below the surface and it’s as raw and deep as the first day. It’s become a way of life for me. Just like eating and breathing. Actually more like disease that slowly gets worse and no cure for it. Or like a beautiful waterfall, from far people admire the beauty but all the damage and corrosion happens where one cannot see. So what do I have to do? Take it on the chin and bear it. And keep smiling.

Whenever I would tell her something, she would just ignore it and take me for granted, but when another person would say the same thing, it would be done without any delay. But it never stopped me from sharing my thoughts and guiding her and never will. I’m the only one who does not benefit or benefitted from her and I don’t intend to as I have no expectations. I’ve always thought for her good and happiness and always will. Barring the decision of marrying another man, every other decision that she made after discussion with me has seen her come out with flying colours and benefit immensely and made her happy. Well I hope this decision of hers too benefits her immensely and makes her happy. Actually I can see it already has. Homes or rather mansions in different cities, high-flying lifestyle, exotic holidays from snow-capped mountains to warm sunny beaches, shopping at some of the best boutiques, eating at the best restaurants, every and any luxury at her feet. So did she actually sacrifice anything?

Maybe she was never serious about me and never took me seriously. Maybe Love was just another 4-letter word for her. For me, it’s my entire life and I take life very seriously. Not only mine but other's too.

When I told her that I had spoken about us to a couple of friends, she was livid. Well I was just sharing what I was going through and needed my friends’ support. But for her, she thought I was out to ruin her life and let everyone know about us. Amazing isn’t it. So now, I have to be extra careful in not only what I say or do but also what I think. I’m also very sure that she has not told her friends the entire truth, that’s is if she has told anybody anything. Well it does not matter to me. She has a million reasons and all are justified. I think she did tell one of her friends and he did tell her to dump me and she broke it off for a few weeks. But we were back again. Before I forget, he even told her that she will be the one who will get hurt in this relationship. Thats the funny part. She listened to everyone that were not involved in our relationship except her and me.

And I almost forgot. I mentioned something about immoral I did. Well not immoral to me. I hired some private detectives to do a background check on his family. And what they came back with totally amazed me. I literally had the power to wreck havoc in her life or rather her husband’s. But I didn’t bec it would affect her too. I stopped further investigation and destroyed all the findings. And yes, I did tell her and she told me that I was not her father to do it and had no right to meddle in her life. I wish her father did some background check. She’s right, I’m a nobody for her. Just took me too long to realise it or rather I still do not realise it. But she’s important to me and I swore to myself that no matter what I would always be there to support her and be there for her whenever she needed me. Though I do not want to have anything to do with her, but when she's in trouble I'll be there for her. (LG rambles: Been listening to Bon Jovi's 'I'll be there for you'?)

I consider her my  Soulmate. No one ever got me and understood me like the way she did.  Never shared a connection with anybody like I did with her. Well not that it matters anymore.

At best I’m ok and boy you do not want to know my bad days...

Lil Ms. Muffet and The Spider

This is the story of my dear friend Lil Ms. Muffet and her crazy boyfriend The Spider. Why do I call her that? Simple! She's pint sized and cute as hell. The Spider spun his web, drew her in, caught her in his web and almost devoured her. But as luck would have, she managed to slip out in the nick of time.

Read on...

I met him on a regular TV story assignment on solar energy. My boss had told me to do this story without giving me any leads, and it was through an online directory service that I first got connected to him.

He sounded confident, mature and knowledgeable about the future of solar systems in India. By his voice I tried to guess his age and thought he must be around 40. I decided to meet him for my research. That was 11th June, 2008. Surprise! He was not 40, he was young and handsome. I later learnt that he was born on the same day as I was, he was 5 hours older. Sign, I thought. It was too much of a co-incidence.

We met again, this time not for work. We went to Delhi’s Golf club. I reached before he did. We spent some time together there and then we came back to the parking. It was a huge parking, mostly empty, yet he had parked his car just next to mine (he had never seen my car). Another sign, I thought. (LG rambles: No such thing as co-incidence. Everything happens for a reason)

I had few shoots with him and so we met again and again. We developed a liking for each other and met often. He lived near my office so he would drop in almost everyday. He was very good to me, loving and caring too. Everything was going great and he seemed perfect.

One day, he went to Kolkata, from there he called me and asked me to leave my job. I could not understand, I thought he was kidding. I was brilliant in studies, I had worked very hard to reach where I was, and was working in country’s reputed news channel. It made no sense. I told him that it was impossible. He came back and told me it is fine and he has changed his mind. That was the first sign of his possessive/obsessive behavior but I ignored it. That is the irony about signs - you only read those that you want to read. (LG rambles: Love is blind :-) rather the emotional closeness makes us blind to a lot of faults or shortcomings)

Then as we started going out more often I would often bump into my friends, he objected to that. He would ask: "why do you have so many friends?" ; "Why do you have to acknowledge them when you meet them?". He did not like me meeting anyone especially if the friend belonged to the other gender. Saying hello to one would lead to multiple fights and my character assassination. How do I know the boy? Did I ever have a relationship with him? I started dreading bumping into friends if we were out. It was draining yet I went through it every time hoping he will realise and will stop. (LG rambles: Stay jailed at home ;-) in a burkha )

Nothing changed; in fact it got worse. If we were out with his friends he would object if I spoke to his guy friends. If I spoke to one, then I had to explain it to him that it did not mean anything. Every time we would go clubbing he would keep an eye on the people around, he wanted to make sure no one was looking at me and also that I was not looking at anyone. He would even look around when he used to come pick me up from my office.

Slowly he even started objecting to my going to the gym or a male tailor. He would not understand why did I need to talk to any man in my office - editors, cameramen are all men; this made no sense to him. (LG rambles: I think he's in love with men)

His world revolved around me and he expected the same from me. This was the longest relationship I had been in; I wanted to make it work. I tried for the longest time but then in December 2009, I decided to break up. I mourned for almost 20 days, cried my heart out.

In February 2010 he called up my father and told him he wanted to marry me - no matter what. My father spoke to me about it. I thought he had changed so I decided to give our relationship another chance. I met him on Valentine’s Day and he promised me he will never do anything that will hurt me most importantly, he said he will let me be. I met his parents who were very nice to me. He met my parents too. Both families were happy and excited.

In March, 2010 we both went to my friend’s house for holi. I met a friend (who was a guy) and he hugged me. I saw his face flushing with anger. We soon left that place and I came back home. He kept calling me all night. He wanted to know if I had relationship with that friend or if I did something indecent with him. The following morning my parents saw me crying and then they went to meet him. He again brought up the issue of me working. He told my folks that he is worried if I will work who will get the kids home from school. My parents thought he was crazy. We were not even married yet and he was talking about getting kids from school. (LG rambles: Whacko Jacko! I'm sure he has some serious issues with his parents. Or maybe was beaten up by a girl when he was a kid)

Mom flared up and asked for an explanation. She wanted to know why I tolerated this for so long. It made no sense to her that why would her daughter - who is well educated and independent - tolerate such a man for this long. They made me realise that no one ever changes and that I needed to get out of this as soon as possible. It took me another month to let it go, but my family was by my side. But what was more difficult was to make him realise that it was over. He would write me long, obsessive mails. He would just not realise why my independence was so important to me. He did not want to let me go but he did not want to change his old school thoughts too. (LG rambles: GRTBR!)

In the end, he decided to stick to them. Good for me. It gives me goose bumps today to even imagine a life with him. He belongs to an upper middle class south-Delhi family. He has modern parents yet his ideas did not reflect the society he lived in. I have never called him back or tried to get in touch. I don’t even want to.

Now open for your story!!

Wow... I'm pleasantly surprised... People want to write in their stories on my blog... I'm totally blown away... I didn't think people even read it... Woohoo!

So it's now open to any and everybody. All those interested can email in their story to looneygeek@gmail.com. Your identity will not be disclosed. You can create a fictitious ID and email it from there so even I do not know who you are.

Cheers!

Love, Sex and Marriage - Jilted in Love #4 - THE SACRIFICIAL GOAT (Part 5)

Continued from The Beginning of the Ending


Post Marriage

Almost two years now and it hasn’t yet sunk into me that she’s married and gone. At times I wake up in the middle of the night and hear her calling out my name in her soft, sensual voice only to realise that it’s a dream.

My actions over the months immediately preceding her wedding were in total contrast to what I felt for her. I say I’m in love with her but unknowingly my actions and words proved otherwise. To defend my actions, I have not been myself for the past couple of years. You can’t blame me for it, can you? (LG ramble: Of course you are to be blamed. Who asked you to fall in love?)

I don’t even know how I passed the week after her wedding. It’s all one big haze. I know I was dehydrated, not only because of the tears I had shed but to keep myself away from reality, I was drinking. It’s kind of a good thing that I decided to leave town for a week. I needed to get away and be alone. Only a couple of my friends really knew what was happening with me. And they accompanied me to be with me so that I didn’t land up doing anything stupid. They controlled my drinking. All I know is that I was drinking, crying and sleeping for the entire week. (LG rambles: Yes, we know. And so does Mr. Walker and Mr. Daniels)

Thank GOD for my friends, I almost decided to make a last minute dash back home to attend her wedding. That would have been a total disaster.

My friends and my therapist were of great help. Am not sure what I would have done without them. I could not stop thinking about her. How I wanted to call her and hear her voice one last time. How I wanted to tell her that I love her. How I wanted to tell her that she’s mine and that she should come back to me. But we had decided that we’d never contact each other. I was literally dying.

The weeks leading up to her wedding and the months thereafter, I suffered from a lot of health issues. All a fabrication of my mind but it did affect me physically. I still do suffer from various issues. In fact my doctors advised me to go to some retreat to heal myself. Apparently emotional trauma can cause heart and stress attacks and I was on the verge of one. The signs were there. Apparently it’s called ‘Broken Heart Syndrome’ or ‘Tako-Tsubo’ (Japanese Octopus) cardiomyopathy, which affect women more than men. So maybe I did suffer the attacks or as a preventive was given medication. At the same time I had lost my mind too. I seemed to forget little things such as eating breakfast, 30 minutes after having it. My therapist recommended that I write each and everything down - work or personal. I didn’t understand his theory though. Though, no history of heart issues in the family but my situation had increased my chances of an attack manyfold. Anyway, I still need to keep a check on my smoking, drinking, and diet. My doctors treat me like a heart patient hence I have to have regular check ups. (LG rambles: Give up the fags... uhh I mean cigarettes. Go for the fags ;-))

Bambino contacted me soon after her wedding. I was on some medication so lots of things are very fuzzy to me, especially the month of her wedding. It caught me by total surprise. At first I didn’t believe my eyes. But yeah, it was her name on my phone. Had an overload in my brain and didn’t know how to react. I told her that I love her and couldn’t live without her and wanted her back. She asked me not to say such things as she was now married and wanted to love her husband. She was leaving for her honeymoon in a couple of days. I was hoping that lightning strike me dead there and then. So we ended the call very high strung, bad and on a bitter note.

I called her the next day and apologised for crossing the line as she now was a married woman and someone else’s wife, not mine anymore. And that she had feelings for only one man - her husband. I was her past maybe even her mistake. Why so? Because she didn’t mince words when she said it to me. “It was a mistake falling in love with you. I should never have met you”. The little voices in my head keep reminding me that. (LG rambles: You are looney man. 'Voices in my head' it seems. I only have monsters under my bed ;-))

About 6-8 weeks after her wedding she contacted me again. She told me that on the way to her honeymoon she heard a song that reminded her of us and she cried. She also told me that she couldn’t stop thinking about me. Though her body was there, here mind was with me. She then said something that broke me down totally. She said that she was extremely uncomfortable when her husband came close to her and touched her. And that I was her life. And then she said that we both made the decision and now we have to live with it. And BANG! It struck me. She had never asked me or discussed it with me. She had made the decision on her own without involving me or my feelings and emotion. And that decision not only changed her life but mine too. Hers for the better, mine for the worse. Literally not just figuratively. Everything in my life has taken a downturn. Emotionally. Financially. Physically. Spiritually. Mentally and Morally too. Don’t ask about the moral part. (LG rambles: More on that in the next post)

For two days after that I was not myself. I had lost my senses. All I could think was her husband’s slimy, snaky hands on her body, and his sloppy lips on hers. These visions just filled my head. I couldn’t see her going through all this. And then I did something really stupid... called her husband!

Yes! It was dumb and stupid and totally reckless on my part. I have no explanation or making any excuses to why I did it. And No! I was not trying to get back at her and ruin her life. I was not in my senses. In hindsight, I could have just quietly been in touch with her and somehow got her back. But back then I was not thinking straight. I had not slept in two nights - my mind racing with thoughts!

I told him that Bambino and I were in love. And that she married him because of her family. And I couldn’t live without her. But, I also told him to keep her happy and that she thought he was a nice man. I told him not to let her know about our conversation. Well, obviously he went home and asked her. Post that call I deleted all our chats, emails, video chats and her pictures lest I lose my senses again and do something reckless again. So now there was no evidence of our relationship. I had stooped to a new low and I hated myself for it. In fact, still do! But, atleast he now knows he has to treat her well because there is someone else who loves her even more, whom she left behind to marry him out of duty and obligation to her parents.

Till date I don’t know what they discussed. I did speak to her a couple of days after this incident. All she told me was that I broke her heart and trust. I had no explanation for my action. She told me how delicate a bond between a husband and wife is. And that she loved her husband and she wanted to be happy. And asked me if she didn’t have right to be happy and peaceful. Of course she did. I asked her if she ever thought about my happiness or me when she made the decision. But got no answer in return. Obviously! Not that she was obligated to me or had a duty towards me but for sake of what we had, we were in a relationship. Wasn’t it for humanity’s sake for her to even discuss us?!! The response I got was that she wants to be happy and at peace. She also said that her husband told her that it was wrong for her to fall in love with me. And she agreed with him. Well he was just reinforcing what she always thought. That falling in love with me was a mistake and that she should have never met me. Great thoughts for me to live with - the person you gave yourself to thinks that you were her biggest mistake!

A couple of days later I spoke with both of them. Apologised for what I had done and that I would never contact them. I didn’t mean to cause any complications. Just wanted him to take care of her and keep her happy.

My therapist and friends were really pissed at what I did. I made no excuses. I couldn’t see her going though what she was. I’m part of a group of six that have faced emotional trauma in love. We are there for each other and when we are going through a turbulent time we support each other through it. They too said it was wrong on my part to make the call but they did understand me. After all, we all were nursing a broken heart, dreams, and life and experiencing similar emotions.

For the next couple of months I never called her. But yes, I did drop some e-mails expressing my feelings and emotions. I was going through the worst possible time of my life. Everything around me was falling apart. And there was this one time I was totally broken down when I called her and said “Thank for messing my life just like your ex did to you” and hung up. Till date, that was the only time I ever put the blame on her or held her responsible. And I immediately emailed her apologising for what I said. (LG rambles: Why?? she did mess you up and leave you without thinking about you or your life.)

After a couple of months we were back in touch. We had some really heated discussions. She told me that I played safe and if I was in love with her why I had not divorced my wife. I had to remind here that it was she who stopped me from filing for divorce. But as usual my query went unanswered. Though my wife and I were estranged it just never occurred to me that I was not divorced. Maybe the reason was my son’s schooling.

When I fell in love with Bambino, I was not looking for love. It just happened. She just kept saying that she was separating me from my child and could never live with that. But she never was the cause and she knew it. And then she said that she had a duty and obligation towards her parents for bringing her up and that she could not disappoint them. I told her that she didn’t even give me a chance with her parents. And had always told her that if her parents, especially her father didn’t agree, then we’d both go our own way. At least I would know that I tried my best and left no stone unturned. But was not given the chance. My hands were tied for she bound me by making me swear to her that I will never talk to her parents.

She called herself names. As she always did when we were together and I hated her for it. She told me that the e-mails where I expressed my feelings and emotions would kill her and make her feel guilty. But what about the thoughts that kill me everyday? She even told me that it was her biggest mistake of falling in love with me and even meeting me. She even went to the extent of saying that she would leave her husband and live alone and never marry me. Those words still hound me to this day. She said that my call still disturbs her husband. (LG rambles: Like it makes a difference to him. He's got her all to himself) But what she doesn’t think is that her decision to leave me and marry another will hound me for the rest of my life. At least he has her by his side to comfort him. Who do I have? 

Anyway, much was said between us.

Subsequently, a few months later she sent me a message “I’m sorry for messing with your life. But now that the damage is done I cannot undo it”. Damage? Not like she dented my car or anything. And this message only came after our last heated call. And finally she said that she never thought about me or what I would do while making the decision, only herself and her family. And that she didn’t have the courage or strength to marry me. I thanked for finally saying it. At least now I had clarity that the person who meant everything to me didn’t even think about me when she made the decision that literally turned my life upside down many times over.

Post the heated discussions we were back on talking terms. We knew we needed each other in our lives. We were soulmates after all. The next few weeks were blissful. As normal as I could be without having her in my life. Then her husband told her to cut off all communication with me. I understood it and obviously had no say in it. I told her that I was still in love with her and though I may not be able to partake in her happiness but would always be there for her when she needed me.  (LG rambles: Sheesh.. You love sick puppy)

So, now we are not in regular touch. But, we do exchange the odd mail now and then. A couple of calls when she needed to reach out to me. But from my end I’ve stopped communicating with her. I’ve walled off myself emotionally. I don’t want to send her an email or message and tear her apart, of wanting to respond or not because of her husband. (LG rambles: Dude! That's not your problem.)

Yes! I do think of her everyday but I don’t hope that she will come back to me. But, I will take her back at the drop of a hat. She didn’t have the courage or strength to marry me when she was single. I am under no false pretense that she will ever have it now, that she is married even if she is unhappy and still loves me. But again I am not fooling myself by saying she still loves me. Well she’s with another and obviously would have developed an attachment. And as they say ‘Out of Sight is Out of Mind’, that’s PROBABLY what I am. Knowing her, she will adapt to her surrounding, compromise her own needs and wants, happy or not she will not come back. I just want her to be happy and I religiously pray every morning and night to GOD to bless her with all the joy, happiness, health, courage and strength.

I have never thought negative about her marriage or that it should break up. And never will. I just want her to be happy. And if this is what brings her happiness at- the cost of my loss, my hurt, my pain, so be it! I am happy for her.

All I wanted was to share her company and to experience the wonderfulness that is Bambino. Was I wrong in that?