Continued form Post Marriage
My Emotions and Feeling over the past couple of years.
To put it simply. If she had done this to a friend of mine I would have ensured that her life was as disturbed as my friend’s. I would have ensured that everyone knew about what she did, her family, his family, friends et al. I would have taken chat transcripts and emails that could have literally caused a stir in her family. You know, tarnished her image for life. (LG ramble: Don't kid yourself buddy. You'd never do it)
For a split second, I even thought of filing a police complaint that she cheated me. Ok, I did speak with a lawyer and showed him some of our mails and chats. (LG rambles: R U freaking serious and outta yr mind ???) He asked me if I was serious because this had the potential of causing serious damage and that nothing positive would come out of this but would wreck havoc in her life. He asked me if I was in love with her, then I should be happy for her and forget everything. He told me to let her live her life and it was not for me to cause any complications etc. And that one day she would realise what she did to me was incorrect, selfish, inhuman and heartless, not that of marrying another man but that of not having a discussion or thinking about me and totally ignoring the fact that I was human and had feelings and emotions and abandoning me.
He also asked me not to stoop so low, maybe I felt that my life was damaged but I had no right to damage another person's. He explained to me that he saw several such cases a week, nearly all were women, then too he would try to resolve the matter without going to court. Some had even attempted suicide. Some were willing to put false rape charges on the man and he reminded me that she too could do that to me. And knowing Indian courts, I could be put away until proven innocent. I was livid. I was emotionally raped, cheated and deceived and my lawyer's telling me to let it go! After a while I calmed down. Well that was the end of that. Never thought about it again.
Well she didn’t only cheat me. But she did cheat both of us out of love and a future. But no! I do love her and care for her and she is important to me and cannot see her harmed, unhappy in anyway. She may have left me and crushed my dreams but I will not crush hers. I will never let harm come her way. I pray to GOD
that whatever it may be befall me so that she can live a happy and stress free life. (LG rambles: who doesn't want an easy and stress free life. Guess you don't)Bambino did to me exactly what her ex did to her. She did to me what my wife did to me. One fine day I come home and found my wife ready with bags saying she’s leaving. Just like that. No discussion. Nothing. Trust me. You’ll can’t even imagine the mental and emotional trauma
I’ve been through. At least my wife walking out on me wasn’t that bad. I could see it coming but still it was a shocker. But what Bambino did, I could never have imagined it even in my nightmares. More so after going through something like this herself. So that really makes me wonder, what did I mean to her? What was I to her? That she could just leave me stranded at the drop of a hat. Not give me a chance? Heck, not even think of me while making the decision. (LG rambles: You meant nothing. Now get over it)You know. In a man’s world, it’s always better to be a woman, because they can get away with anything without even so much as a scratch on them. (LG rambles: You got that right. Look at Maria Susairaj) Imagine if I did this to her. People would go hammer and tongs against me. Just bec I'm a man means it's ok that it happened to me, but I would have been castigated by the one and all if I had done something similar to her.
By no means has it been an easy period for me. Well it’s almost 2 years now and I still cry every now and then. My life’s not been the same. Doctors and hospital visits. Medication. Psychotic disorder
. Nervous and emotional breakdowns. Been through it all and continue to do so. I’ve become Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. 2 totally opposite people in one body. Half of me is filled with hurt, anger, resentment, morbid, negative thoughts. The other half only love. Torn between both. It takes all my strength to keep Hyde in control. Trying really hard to get him out of my life, out of my head. (LG rambles: I love magic pills ;-) )Well earlier I asked you to pose some questions to yourself. Did you? Again I don’t think you can feel what I feel but you do get the drift of my thoughts.
The months to her wedding was an absolute killer. Finished me emotionally and physically. But I still managed to keep a smile. And post the wedding I felt like a zombie. Still trying to get a grip with reality. Thanx to the meds, friends, therapist
and group, they are keeping my mind and me in control.Initially, I beat myself up emotionally. Blamed myself for everything. Kept thinking what was wrong with me that she had to do something so drastic. Am I that bad a person? That of not giving me a chance. That of not even thinking about me and my life. That of deciding to get married to the man she said she had no intention of marrying. That of giving a man a chance who tried to molest her. Is this the price I have to pay for having been married? Is her pride and ego so big that it stopped her from marrying me? Was I a stop-gap arrangement for her till a good enough proposal came along? Why me? What was lacking in me? What did I do to her to deserve such treatment from her? (LG rambles: Not in you but in her - Belief & Trust)
Maybe I just didn't know the real Bambino. Maybe what I knew or thought I knew, loving, caring, sweet, generous, sensitive, gentle, was just a mirage. Possibly a figment of my imagination. Maybe the real Bambino is selfish and heartless and only thinks about herself without really caring what's going to happen to the other person. Maybe my love for her blinded me and made me see her as how I wanted to see her and not for the person she was. (LG rambles: Get rid of your rose-tinted glasses buddy. Wake up and smell the coffee beans or your socks)
In the past she told me if we had to be together than we should elope. Not once but quite a few times. But I put my foot down and told her that we would never run away and that I'd talk to her father man-to-man and give him the respect he deserved. After all what do parents want for their children? To be happy right! Imagine if I had said yes and eloped. What would her parents go through? What would society say then? It would have been so easy for me to elope with her, but I thought of her and her parents. Imagine the social humiliation they would have had to face if we eloped. But you know what, she didn't think about it. I did and refused to elope bec her family was important to her and equally important to me. Maybe that was my mistake. (LG rambles: Interesting. The same person who abandoned you because she was afraid of society calling her your 2nd wife. Hypocrite!)
The thought of another man being with her would drive me crazy. Still does though. (LG rambles: She should be driving the other man crazy not you ;-) ROTFL) But with meditation am more at peace and these thoughts just pass without disturbing me... too much that is. I just wanted to end it all. It was too much for me to handle. Was this the price I had to pay for falling in love? For giving myself up completely. Mind. Body. Heart and Soul. And left with nothing but thoughts? I wish she had shot me in the head before marrying another man so I would not have had to live to see this day, my love marrying another man, or to live through the feelings and emotion, of her being with another man. (LG rambles: My double-barreled shotgun offer is still open)
Don’t people get married to people who have been married before? Celebrities. Politicians. Sportspeople. Saif/Kareena - not yet married but he’s been married before, Boney/Sridevi, Shashi Tharoor, Anil Kumble, Mahesh Bhupathi, Sanjay Dutt, Aamir Khan, Karishma Kapoor, Hema Malini... to name a few.
What was I supposed to do? Go back to my wife who I didn’t have a relationship with? That’s exactly what she told me. And a few months after her wedding she even told me if things were that bad then why don’t I just divorce my wife. And I was shocked. How much worse could it be? Estranged marriage. I fell in love with Bambino. I wanted to marry and have a family with her. And spend every living moment by her side.
While we were together she never let me. And now? Because she’s happily married and if I did divorce my wife now it would not reflect on her. It wouldn’t have reflected on her earlier too. Bec my wife and I were estranged before we even met. What gave her the right to tell me now?! Is she feeling guilty or bad that my life is in tatters and her’s is soaring on the path of love and happiness? But why should it concern her anyways? When she had to be concerned and think about me she didn’t. Why now then? To show me how wonderful her life is and how sucky mine is? That she made the right choice by leaving me stranded? Rubbing salt in my raw wounds. (LG rambles: You are right. You or your life has no bearing on her's so can it dude)
I gave up everything for love and she gave up love for everything. Well she now has everything! A good, comfortable and secured life. The love of her husband. A loving family. Above all, a life that she knew I would not be able to provide her. I’m happy for her. Maybe she already knew that she would not be happy with me and hence married another man without considering my feeling and emotions. T'was a no brainer for her.
After the call to her husband, she told me that I broke her heart and trust. But, what did she do to me? Didn’t she do the same? Actually worse. Not only did she break my heart and trust, but played with my feelings, emotions and life. While I did it to try to save her from what she was going through not abandon her. In love, I gave her my entire being, the power to destroy me... and she did!
I asked her what if I was not strong enough to live through what I am and gave up my life. Would she be able to live with the fact that bec of her someone is no more. Or that a young boy would grow up without a father? Or my parents living without their son? Or my siblings not having a brother? And you know what? She didn’t think anything except about herself and her family. Sometimes I wish to just end it and let her live with these thoughts. Let’s see if she will be able to survive even a day. Well, now, it may not even affect her. Or maybe back then too. Else how can anyone do something like this. All she told me was "You can cope with it", while she was have a jolly good time.
You know. I love my son to bits. I’d do pretty much anything for him. Just short of killing someone. Maybe I’d do that too. At times, I look at him and think that he is the reason am not with Bambino and I actually thought to myself once that if he didn't exist I would have been with Bambino. What a bastard I am right? Bec she said that she didn’t want to separate a father from his child. Initially, it was tough for me to look at him. But now I know he’s not the reason. Maybe she was just thinking of excuses and reasons for not marrying me. Rather than thinking of reasons to marry me. She needed only one reason to marry me but made a million excuses not to.
Her latest excuses after 18 months were:
I didn’t know whether to laugh, cry or kill myself. I mean, come on. You apologise and then give more reasons? It’s like hugging someone and then stabbing them in the back with the same hand. I reminded her that I said “All love never ends in marriage” right at the beginning of our relationship and a couple of months later I began asking her to marry me. So how can this be a reason?
On the 2nd point, I reminded her that I had said “I’d keep you both” in jest to whenever she commented that I was enjoying life with 2 women, my estranged wife and her. Me and enjoying life? With 2 women? Heck I could not enjoy life with 1. I told her that I was as serious in having 2 wives simultaneously as she was in saying I was enjoying life with 2 women. Not only my estranged wife, but she would keep making jibes at me that I was seeing other women behind her back and actually accused me with a couple of them. Well I knew she was kidding, but thinking bout it now, I don't think she was, maybe another justified reason for her to leave me stranded. With her I never looked at another woman let alone wanting to do anything with them.
As usual no response. She then started making other excuses, saying that she went ahead and said yes because I had apparently again told her on one of our dates that “all love doesn’t end in marriage” and hence when his proposal came the second time she agreed. When I had to remind her that this was after she had already told him and the family yes. I gave her the date and venue where we met and what we discussed. Finally I told her, she can make any number of reasons and excuses and all were justified for her marrying another man and not discussing anything with me. I was just so damn tired of listening to them. As long as the reasons and excuses make her happy, then good for her. She can be satisfied that she did no wrong and live peacefully and happy.
So moving on..
I sleep in fits and starts. At night I don’t want to sleep because am too scared of losing control of my conscious mind. And in the morning don’t want to wake up. I go to bed and wake up looking at the empty side where she would have lain. Thinking that her husband will get to see her the first and last thing everyday. Thought of another man kissing her lips and caressing her body. To make me forget these, a friend suggested I watch porn. But that was almost a fatal error. From just being thoughts, they were graphic thoughts and images in my mind. It drove me crazy almost to the point of hurting myself. Kept getting thoughts of his slimy, snaky hands wrapped around her body. Bambino looking at me with searching eyes asking me to do something, but I was tied down by her and looked back her her helplessly, seeing him devour her. (LG rambles: What an idea for a tattoo. Naked chick with black snake wrapped around her. Awesome. Thanx)
It took me months to recover from this episode. Extended therapy sessions, more medication. Finally I started meditation. I had to gain control of my mind and did not want to rely on medication and others' support all the time. The permanent solution was me getting back control of my mind a body.
The medication has taken a toll on my body and have undergone not only physical but also mental and emotional change. I’m not as strong as I once was. My confidence, security, trust everything has been shattered and I do not even know where and how to begin to piece my life back. I’m not even a shadow of the man I once was. But I only know that I have to be strong and keep living. I cannot give up on life. My son needs me. And I cannot let her live with thoughts if anything happens to me. I rather live with the thoughts myself.
For the first few months I couldn’t even get myself to go out. All the places just reminded me of our times together. Shopping. Eating. Movies. There were a couple of instances where I actually visited a particular restaurant and shop and walked out immediately before I broke down. I’ve not bought anything in the past 2 years, just can’t get myself to. I think or rather get thoughts of her doing these things with her husband. Vacationing, Weekends, Dinners, Movies et al. The only person who will keep hurting in this situation is me. And most when she has children. I’m not sure how I will handle it but I have to prepare myself mentally. (LG rambles: Duh. No you don't. It's her problem not yours)
Unfortunately we have common friends and barring a couple no one knew or even know about us. So off and on they do talk about her and I just listen and stare blankly and try not to register what they are talking. I wanted to move out of this godforsaken city, but can’t for my entire life is built in and around it.
Fortunately or unfortunately, my work demands that I travel. And I have to transit not only through the airport she left and returned from her honeymoon but also to the city where she began her honeymoon. My first trip out was an emotional mess. I was nervous, jittery whatever you may say. I almost walked out of the airport. Well I did actually. Had a few cigarettes and then went back in. But I was a nervous wreck. Am sure I had the eyes of most of the security staff on me. I looked suspicious and nervous. I couldn’t even sit in the lounge, so I headed to the smoking room and spent the next 30 mins smoking one cigarette after another. I was doing it to while away the time. It still affects me when I transit through the airport. Thoughts and emotions flash by but, I’ve gotten used to living with them. I still try to spend as little time as I can at the airport. I web check-in most of the time and pack in such a way that I do not have to check-in my bags so that I can make a quick getaway. I even try not to fly the same airline that she flew. Yes I know you think I’m crazy. Everybody does. But again everybody is not going through or experiencing what I am. (LG rambles: Who cares. It's your problem. Deal with it man)
My friends have asked me to try dating other women but am not open to it. And some even suggested trying to make it work with my wife. I was set up on a couple of dates. But they were disasters. I can’t even think of going out with another woman, I’m in love with Bambino. Just because Bambino can go and love, create dreams and a future with another does not mean I can or have to. Am I being fair to the other women, using them in trying to get over Bambino? They are not a piece of flesh to me, they are human, with feelings and emotions. And I’m not gonna play with theirs like how mine were played with.
Forget being intimate with another woman, I can’t get myself to hold their hands or have a conversation. Just the thought of another woman touching me not only scares me but affects me emotionally. Because deep down I am committed to Bambino. People tell me that she’s a just another woman and I’ll get over her soon. But is it so? Is it so easy to get over your loved one? Someone you wanted to spend the rest of your life with? To get the thoughts out of your mind? It’s easy for people to say it when they have not experienced it or going through it.
For the matter of fact, she even told me that if she can do it then why not me? Uh hello?! She was not the one to get dumped on her sorry ass and left to pick up the pieces of her life and heart. Her dreams and future were not crushed while her loved one is enjoying her life and creating a future with another. Maybe it’s easy for her to love another and find happiness, passion, romance but I’m not her. She doesn’t know what it is to be in love with someone. To give your entire being to someone. Love and life is not a game for me. One minute here and the next minute with someone else. That’s not my cup of tea. Sorry! But again she's not me. And she did this on her own free will unlike it being thrusted and forced upon me. (LG rambles: Accept it and move on already!!)
While we were together for 2 1/2 years, we never had sex, because I gave her my word that till we were married we would not. It was not easy to abstain from it but I did, only because I was in love with her and wanted to marry her. There was this one time when I told her I wanted to make love to her. She held my hand and led me to the room. It was a really intense moment and it took all my will power to control. While we were not having sex, we were intimate - emotionally and spiritually. Put together all the sex that I had had before meeting Bambino, paled in front of the feelings, emotions and passion she would stir up in me by just holding my hands. (LG rambles: Duh! You can't compare oranges to bananas)
People say time heals all. But thats a whole load of crap. With time I have just learnt to live with it and bear it. Scratch lightly below the surface and it’s as raw and deep as the first day. It’s become a way of life for me. Just like eating and breathing. Actually more like disease that slowly gets worse and no cure for it. Or like a beautiful waterfall, from far people admire the beauty but all the damage and corrosion happens where one cannot see. So what do I have to do? Take it on the chin and bear it. And keep smiling.
Whenever I would tell her something, she would just ignore it and take me for granted, but when another person would say the same thing, it would be done without any delay. But it never stopped me from sharing my thoughts and guiding her and never will. I’m the only one who does not benefit or benefitted from her and I don’t intend to as I have no expectations. I’ve always thought for her good and happiness and always will. Barring the decision of marrying another man, every other decision that she made after discussion with me has seen her come out with flying colours and benefit immensely and made her happy. Well I hope this decision of hers too benefits her immensely and makes her happy. Actually I can see it already has. Homes or rather mansions in different cities, high-flying lifestyle, exotic holidays from snow-capped mountains to warm sunny beaches, shopping at some of the best boutiques, eating at the best restaurants, every and any luxury at her feet. So did she actually sacrifice anything?
Maybe she was never serious about me and never took me seriously. Maybe Love was just another 4-letter word for her. For me, it’s my entire life and I take life very seriously. Not only mine but other's too.
When I told her that I had spoken about us to a couple of friends, she was livid. Well I was just sharing what I was going through and needed my friends’ support. But for her, she thought I was out to ruin her life and let everyone know about us. Amazing isn’t it. So now, I have to be extra careful in not only what I say or do but also what I think. I’m also very sure that she has not told her friends the entire truth, that’s is if she has told anybody anything. Well it does not matter to me. She has a million reasons and all are justified. I think she did tell one of her friends and he did tell her to dump me and she broke it off for a few weeks. But we were back again. Before I forget, he even told her that she will be the one who will get hurt in this relationship. Thats the funny part. She listened to everyone that were not involved in our relationship except her and me.
And I almost forgot. I mentioned something about immoral I did. Well not immoral to me. I hired some private detectives to do a background check on his family. And what they came back with totally amazed me. I literally had the power to wreck havoc in her life or rather her husband’s. But I didn’t bec it would affect her too. I stopped further investigation and destroyed all the findings. And yes, I did tell her and she told me that I was not her father to do it and had no right to meddle in her life. I wish her father did some background check. She’s right, I’m a nobody for her. Just took me too long to realise it or rather I still do not realise it. But she’s important to me and I swore to myself that no matter what I would always be there to support her and be there for her whenever she needed me. Though I do not want to have anything to do with her, but when she's in trouble I'll be there for her. (LG rambles: Been listening to Bon Jovi's 'I'll be there for you'?)
I consider her my Soulmate. No one ever got me and understood me like the way she did. Never shared a connection with anybody like I did with her. Well not that it matters anymore.
At best I’m ok and boy you do not want to know my bad days...
am more at peace and these thoughts just pass without disturbing me... too much that is. I just wanted to end it all. It was too much for me to handle. Was this the price I had to pay for falling in love? For giving myself up completely. Mind. Body. Heart and Soul. And left with nothing but thoughts? I wish she had shot me in the head before marrying another man so I would not have had to live to see this day, my love marrying another man, or to live through the feelings and emotion, of her being with another man. (LG rambles: My double-barreled shotgun offer is still open)Don’t people get married to people who have been married before? Celebrities. Politicians. Sportspeople. Saif/Kareena - not yet married but he’s been married before, Boney/Sridevi
, Shashi Tharoor, Anil Kumble, Mahesh Bhupathi, Sanjay Dutt, Aamir Khan, Karishma Kapoor, Hema Malini... to name a few.What was I supposed to do? Go back to my wife who I didn’t have a relationship
with? That’s exactly what she told me. And a few months after her wedding she even told me if things were that bad then why don’t I just divorce my wife. And I was shocked. How much worse could it be? Estranged marriage. I fell in love with Bambino. I wanted to marry and have a family with her. And spend every living moment by her side.While we were together she never let me. And now? Because she’s happily married and if I did divorce my wife now it would not reflect on her. It wouldn’t have reflected on her earlier too. Bec my wife and I were estranged before we even met. What gave her the right to tell me now?! Is she feeling guilty or bad that my life is in tatters and her’s is soaring on the path of love and happiness? But why should it concern her anyways? When she had to be concerned and think about me she didn’t. Why now then? To show me how wonderful her life is and how sucky mine is? That she made the right choice by leaving me stranded? Rubbing salt in my raw wounds. (LG rambles: You are right. You or your life has no bearing on her's so can it dude)
I gave up everything for love and she gave up love for everything. Well she now has everything! A good, comfortable and secured life. The love of her husband. A loving family. Above all, a life that she knew I would not be able to provide her. I’m happy for her. Maybe she already knew that she would not be happy with me and hence married another man without considering my feeling and emotions. T'was a no brainer for her.
After the call to her husband, she told me that I broke her heart and trust. But, what did she do to me? Didn’t she do the same? Actually worse. Not only did she break my heart and trust, but played with my feelings, emotions and life. While I did it to try to save her from what she was going through not abandon her. In love, I gave her my entire being, the power to destroy me... and she did!
I asked her what if I was not strong enough to live through what I am and gave up my life. Would she be able to live with the fact that bec of her someone is no more. Or that a young boy would grow up without a father? Or my parents living without their son? Or my siblings not having a brother? And you know what? She didn’t think anything except about herself and her family. Sometimes I wish to just end it and let her live with these thoughts. Let’s see if she will be able to survive even a day. Well, now, it may not even affect her. Or maybe back then too. Else how can anyone do something like this. All she told me was "You can cope with it", while she was have a jolly good time.
You know. I love my son to bits. I’d do pretty much anything for him. Just short of killing someone. Maybe I’d do that too. At times, I look at him and think that he is the reason am not with Bambino and I actually thought to myself once that if he didn't exist I would have been with Bambino. What a bastard I am right? Bec she said that she didn’t want to separate a father from his child. Initially, it was tough for me to look at him. But now I know he’s not the reason. Maybe she was just thinking of excuses and reasons for not marrying me. Rather than thinking of reasons to marry me. She needed only one reason to marry me but made a million excuses not to.
Her latest excuses after 18 months were:
- You said that all love never ends
- You said you would keep both of us
I didn’t know whether to laugh, cry or kill myself. I mean, come on. You apologise and then give more reasons? It’s like hugging someone and then stabbing them in the back with the same hand. I reminded her that I said “All love never ends in marriage” right at the beginning of our relationship and a couple of months later I began asking her to marry me. So how can this be a reason?
On the 2nd point, I reminded her that I had said “I’d keep you both” in jest to whenever she commented that I was enjoying life with 2 women, my estranged wife and her. Me and enjoying life? With 2 women? Heck I could not enjoy life with 1. I told her that I was as serious in having 2 wives simultaneously as she was in saying I was enjoying life with 2 women. Not only my estranged wife, but she would keep making jibes at me that I was seeing other women behind her back and actually accused me with a couple of them. Well I knew she was kidding, but thinking bout it now, I don't think she was, maybe another justified reason for her to leave me stranded. With her I never looked at another woman let alone wanting to do anything with them.
As usual no response. She then started making other excuses, saying that she went ahead and said yes because I had apparently again told her on one of our dates that “all love doesn’t end in marriage” and hence when his proposal came the second time she agreed. When I had to remind her that this was after she had already told him and the family yes. I gave her the date and venue where we met and what we discussed. Finally I told her, she can make any number of reasons and excuses and all were justified for her marrying another man and not discussing anything with me. I was just so damn tired of listening to them. As long as the reasons and excuses make her happy, then good for her. She can be satisfied that she did no wrong and live peacefully and happy.
So moving on..
I sleep in fits and starts. At night I don’t want to sleep because am too scared of losing control of my conscious mind. And in the morning don’t want to wake up. I go to bed and wake up looking at the empty side where she would have lain. Thinking that her husband will get to see her the first and last thing everyday. Thought of another man kissing her lips and caressing her body. To make me forget these, a friend suggested I watch porn. But that was almost a fatal error. From just being thoughts, they were graphic thoughts and images in my mind. It drove me crazy almost to the point of hurting myself. Kept getting thoughts of his slimy, snaky hands wrapped around her body. Bambino looking at me with searching eyes asking me to do something, but I was tied down by her and looked back her her helplessly, seeing him devour her. (LG rambles: What an idea for a tattoo. Naked chick with black snake wrapped around her. Awesome. Thanx)
It took me months to recover from this episode. Extended therapy sessions, more medication. Finally I started meditation. I had to gain control of my mind and did not want to rely on medication and others' support all the time. The permanent solution was me getting back control of my mind a body.
The medication has taken a toll on my body and have undergone not only physical but also mental and emotional change. I’m not as strong as I once was. My confidence
, security, trust everything has been shattered and I do not even know where and how to begin to piece my life back. I’m not even a shadow of the man I once was. But I only know that I have to be strong and keep living. I cannot give up on life. My son needs me. And I cannot let her live with thoughts if anything happens to me. I rather live with the thoughts myself.For the first few months I couldn’t even get myself to go out. All the places just reminded me of our times together. Shopping. Eating. Movies. There were a couple of instances where I actually visited a particular restaurant and shop and walked out immediately before I broke down. I’ve not bought anything in the past 2 years, just can’t get myself to. I think or rather get thoughts of her doing these things with her husband. Vacationing, Weekends, Dinners, Movies et al. The only person who will keep hurting in this situation is me. And most when she has children. I’m not sure how I will handle it but I have to prepare myself mentally. (LG rambles: Duh. No you don't. It's her problem not yours)
Unfortunately we have common friends and barring a couple no one knew or even know about us. So off and on they do talk about her and I just listen and stare blankly and try not to register what they are talking. I wanted to move out of this godforsaken city, but can’t for my entire life is built in and around it.
Fortunately or unfortunately, my work demands that I travel. And I have to transit not only through the airport she left and returned from her honeymoon but also to the city where she began her honeymoon. My first trip out was an emotional mess. I was nervous, jittery whatever you may say. I almost walked out of the airport. Well I did actually. Had a few cigarettes and then went back in. But I was a nervous wreck. Am sure I had the eyes of most of the security staff on me. I looked suspicious and nervous. I couldn’t even sit in the lounge, so I headed to the smoking
room and spent the next 30 mins smoking one cigarette after another. I was doing it to while away the time. It still affects me when I transit through the airport. Thoughts and emotions flash by but, I’ve gotten used to living with them. I still try to spend as little time as I can at the airport. I web check-in most of the time and pack in such a way that I do not have to check-in my bags so that I can make a quick getaway. I even try not to fly the same airline that she flew. Yes I know you think I’m crazy. Everybody does. But again everybody is not going through or experiencing what I am. (LG rambles: Who cares. It's your problem. Deal with it man)My friends have asked me to try dating other women but am not open to it. And some even suggested trying to make it work with my wife. I was set up on a couple of dates. But they were disasters. I can’t even think of going out with another woman, I’m in love with Bambino. Just because Bambino can go and love, create dreams and a future with another does not mean I can or have to. Am I being fair to the other women, using them in trying to get over Bambino? They are not a piece of flesh to me, they are human, with feelings and emotions. And I’m not gonna play with theirs like how mine were played with.
Forget being intimate with another woman, I can’t get myself to hold their hands or have a conversation. Just the thought of another woman touching me not only scares me but affects me emotionally. Because deep down I am committed
to Bambino. People tell me that she’s a just another woman and I’ll get over her soon. But is it so? Is it so easy to get over your loved one? Someone you wanted to spend the rest of your life with? To get the thoughts out of your mind? It’s easy for people to say it when they have not experienced it or going through it.For the matter of fact, she even told me that if she can do it then why not me? Uh hello?! She was not the one to get dumped on her sorry ass and left to pick up the pieces of her life and heart. Her dreams and future were not crushed while her loved one is enjoying her life and creating a future with another. Maybe it’s easy for her to love another and find happiness, passion, romance but I’m not her. She doesn’t know what it is to be in love with someone. To give your entire being to someone. Love and life is not a game for me. One minute here and the next minute with someone else. That’s not my cup of tea. Sorry! But again she's not me. And she did this on her own free will unlike it being thrusted and forced upon me. (LG rambles: Accept it and move on already!!)
On second thoughts, she is right. If she can then why not me? I’m mentally and emotionally screwed up, but why should I stop myself from the carnal pleasures of the body! Moreover she’s definitely doing it a few times a week maybe even a few times a day.
of the body! Moreover she’s definitely doing it a few times a week maybe even a few times a day.While we were together for 2 1/2 years, we never had sex
, because I gave her my word that till we were married we would not. It was not easy to abstain from it but I did, only because I was in love with her and wanted to marry her. There was this one time when I told her I wanted to make love to her. She held my hand and led me to the room. It was a really intense moment and it took all my will power to control. While we were not having sex, we were intimate - emotionally and spiritually. Put together all the sex that I had had before meeting Bambino, paled in front of the feelings, emotions and passion she would stir up in me by just holding my hands. (LG rambles: Duh! You can't compare oranges to bananas)People say time heals all
. But thats a whole load of crap. With time I have just learnt to live with it and bear it. Scratch lightly below the surface and it’s as raw and deep as the first day. It’s become a way of life for me. Just like eating and breathing. Actually more like disease that slowly gets worse and no cure for it. Or like a beautiful waterfall, from far people admire the beauty but all the damage and corrosion happens where one cannot see. So what do I have to do? Take it on the chin and bear it. And keep smiling.Whenever I would tell her something, she would just ignore it and take me for granted, but when another person would say the same thing, it would be done without any delay. But it never stopped me from sharing my thoughts and guiding her and never will. I’m the only one who does not benefit or benefitted from her and I don’t intend to as I have no expectations. I’ve always thought for her good and happiness and always will. Barring the decision of marrying another man, every other decision that she made after discussion with me has seen her come out with flying colours and benefit immensely and made her happy. Well I hope this decision of hers too benefits her immensely and makes her happy. Actually I can see it already has. Homes or rather mansions in different cities, high-flying lifestyle, exotic holidays from snow-capped mountains to warm sunny beaches, shopping at some of the best boutiques, eating at the best restaurants, every and any luxury at her feet. So did she actually sacrifice anything?
Maybe she was never serious about me and never took me seriously. Maybe Love was just another 4-letter word
for her. For me, it’s my entire life and I take life very seriously. Not only mine but other's too.When I told her that I had spoken about us to a couple of friends, she was livid. Well I was just sharing what I was going through and needed my friends’ support. But for her, she thought I was out to ruin her life and let everyone know about us. Amazing isn’t it. So now, I have to be extra careful in not only what I say or do but also what I think. I’m also very sure that she has not told her friends the entire truth, that’s is if she has told anybody anything. Well it does not matter to me. She has a million reasons and all are justified. I think she did tell one of her friends and he did tell her to dump me and she broke it off for a few weeks. But we were back again. Before I forget, he even told her that she will be the one who will get hurt in this relationship. Thats the funny part. She listened to everyone that were not involved in our relationship except her and me.
And I almost forgot. I mentioned something about immoral I did. Well not immoral to me. I hired some private detectives to do a background check on his family. And what they came back with totally amazed me. I literally had the power to wreck havoc in her life or rather her husband’s. But I didn’t bec it would affect her too. I stopped further investigation and destroyed all the findings. And yes, I did tell her and she told me that I was not her father to do it and had no right to meddle in her life. I wish her father did some background check. She’s right, I’m a nobody for her. Just took me too long to realise it or rather I still do not realise it. But she’s important to me and I swore to myself that no matter what I would always be there to support her and be there for her whenever she needed me. Though I do not want to have anything to do with her, but when she's in trouble I'll be there for her. (LG rambles: Been listening to Bon Jovi's 'I'll be there for you'?)
I consider her my Soulmate.
No one ever got me and understood me like the way she did. Never shared a connection with anybody like I did with her. Well not that it matters anymore.At best I’m ok and boy you do not want to know my bad days...
