Continued form Post Marriage
My Emotions and Feeling over the past couple of years.
To put it simply. If she had done this to a friend of mine I would have ensured that her life was as disturbed as my friend’s. I would have ensured that everyone knew about what she did, her family, his family, friends et al. I would have taken chat transcripts and emails that could have literally caused a stir in her family. You know, tarnished her image for life. (LG ramble: Don't kid yourself buddy. You'd never do it)
For a split second, I even thought of filing a police complaint that she cheated me. Ok, I did speak with a lawyer and showed him some of our mails and chats. (LG rambles: R U freaking serious and outta yr mind ???) He asked me if I was serious because this had the potential of causing serious damage and that nothing positive would come out of this but would wreck havoc in her life. He asked me if I was in love with her, then I should be happy for her and forget everything. He told me to let her live her life and it was not for me to cause any complications etc. And that one day she would realise what she did to me was incorrect, selfish, inhuman and heartless, not that of marrying another man but that of not having a discussion or thinking about me and totally ignoring the fact that I was human and had feelings and emotions and abandoning me.
He also asked me not to stoop so low, maybe I felt that my life was damaged but I had no right to damage another person's. He explained to me that he saw several such cases a week, nearly all were women, then too he would try to resolve the matter without going to court. Some had even attempted suicide. Some were willing to put false rape charges on the man and he reminded me that she too could do that to me. And knowing Indian courts, I could be put away until proven innocent. I was livid. I was emotionally raped, cheated and deceived and my lawyer's telling me to let it go! After a while I calmed down. Well that was the end of that. Never thought about it again.
Well she didn’t only cheat me. But she did cheat both of us out of love and a future. But no! I do love her and care for her and she is important to me and cannot see her harmed, unhappy in anyway. She may have left me and crushed my dreams but I will not crush hers. I will never let harm come her way. I pray to GOD
that whatever it may be befall me so that she can live a happy and stress free life. (LG rambles: who doesn't want an easy and stress free life. Guess you don't)Bambino did to me exactly what her ex did to her. She did to me what my wife did to me. One fine day I come home and found my wife ready with bags saying she’s leaving. Just like that. No discussion. Nothing. Trust me. You’ll can’t even imagine the mental and emotional trauma
I’ve been through. At least my wife walking out on me wasn’t that bad. I could see it coming but still it was a shocker. But what Bambino did, I could never have imagined it even in my nightmares. More so after going through something like this herself. So that really makes me wonder, what did I mean to her? What was I to her? That she could just leave me stranded at the drop of a hat. Not give me a chance? Heck, not even think of me while making the decision. (LG rambles: You meant nothing. Now get over it)You know. In a man’s world, it’s always better to be a woman, because they can get away with anything without even so much as a scratch on them. (LG rambles: You got that right. Look at Maria Susairaj) Imagine if I did this to her. People would go hammer and tongs against me. Just bec I'm a man means it's ok that it happened to me, but I would have been castigated by the one and all if I had done something similar to her.
By no means has it been an easy period for me. Well it’s almost 2 years now and I still cry every now and then. My life’s not been the same. Doctors and hospital visits. Medication. Psychotic disorder
. Nervous and emotional breakdowns. Been through it all and continue to do so. I’ve become Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. 2 totally opposite people in one body. Half of me is filled with hurt, anger, resentment, morbid, negative thoughts. The other half only love. Torn between both. It takes all my strength to keep Hyde in control. Trying really hard to get him out of my life, out of my head. (LG rambles: I love magic pills ;-) )Well earlier I asked you to pose some questions to yourself. Did you? Again I don’t think you can feel what I feel but you do get the drift of my thoughts.
The months to her wedding was an absolute killer. Finished me emotionally and physically. But I still managed to keep a smile. And post the wedding I felt like a zombie. Still trying to get a grip with reality. Thanx to the meds, friends, therapist
and group, they are keeping my mind and me in control.Initially, I beat myself up emotionally. Blamed myself for everything. Kept thinking what was wrong with me that she had to do something so drastic. Am I that bad a person? That of not giving me a chance. That of not even thinking about me and my life. That of deciding to get married to the man she said she had no intention of marrying. That of giving a man a chance who tried to molest her. Is this the price I have to pay for having been married? Is her pride and ego so big that it stopped her from marrying me? Was I a stop-gap arrangement for her till a good enough proposal came along? Why me? What was lacking in me? What did I do to her to deserve such treatment from her? (LG rambles: Not in you but in her - Belief & Trust)
Maybe I just didn't know the real Bambino. Maybe what I knew or thought I knew, loving, caring, sweet, generous, sensitive, gentle, was just a mirage. Possibly a figment of my imagination. Maybe the real Bambino is selfish and heartless and only thinks about herself without really caring what's going to happen to the other person. Maybe my love for her blinded me and made me see her as how I wanted to see her and not for the person she was. (LG rambles: Get rid of your rose-tinted glasses buddy. Wake up and smell the coffee beans or your socks)
In the past she told me if we had to be together than we should elope. Not once but quite a few times. But I put my foot down and told her that we would never run away and that I'd talk to her father man-to-man and give him the respect he deserved. After all what do parents want for their children? To be happy right! Imagine if I had said yes and eloped. What would her parents go through? What would society say then? It would have been so easy for me to elope with her, but I thought of her and her parents. Imagine the social humiliation they would have had to face if we eloped. But you know what, she didn't think about it. I did and refused to elope bec her family was important to her and equally important to me. Maybe that was my mistake. (LG rambles: Interesting. The same person who abandoned you because she was afraid of society calling her your 2nd wife. Hypocrite!)
The thought of another man being with her would drive me crazy. Still does though. (LG rambles: She should be driving the other man crazy not you ;-) ROTFL) But with meditation am more at peace and these thoughts just pass without disturbing me... too much that is. I just wanted to end it all. It was too much for me to handle. Was this the price I had to pay for falling in love? For giving myself up completely. Mind. Body. Heart and Soul. And left with nothing but thoughts? I wish she had shot me in the head before marrying another man so I would not have had to live to see this day, my love marrying another man, or to live through the feelings and emotion, of her being with another man. (LG rambles: My double-barreled shotgun offer is still open)
Don’t people get married to people who have been married before? Celebrities. Politicians. Sportspeople. Saif/Kareena - not yet married but he’s been married before, Boney/Sridevi, Shashi Tharoor, Anil Kumble, Mahesh Bhupathi, Sanjay Dutt, Aamir Khan, Karishma Kapoor, Hema Malini... to name a few.
What was I supposed to do? Go back to my wife who I didn’t have a relationship with? That’s exactly what she told me. And a few months after her wedding she even told me if things were that bad then why don’t I just divorce my wife. And I was shocked. How much worse could it be? Estranged marriage. I fell in love with Bambino. I wanted to marry and have a family with her. And spend every living moment by her side.
While we were together she never let me. And now? Because she’s happily married and if I did divorce my wife now it would not reflect on her. It wouldn’t have reflected on her earlier too. Bec my wife and I were estranged before we even met. What gave her the right to tell me now?! Is she feeling guilty or bad that my life is in tatters and her’s is soaring on the path of love and happiness? But why should it concern her anyways? When she had to be concerned and think about me she didn’t. Why now then? To show me how wonderful her life is and how sucky mine is? That she made the right choice by leaving me stranded? Rubbing salt in my raw wounds. (LG rambles: You are right. You or your life has no bearing on her's so can it dude)
I gave up everything for love and she gave up love for everything. Well she now has everything! A good, comfortable and secured life. The love of her husband. A loving family. Above all, a life that she knew I would not be able to provide her. I’m happy for her. Maybe she already knew that she would not be happy with me and hence married another man without considering my feeling and emotions. T'was a no brainer for her.
After the call to her husband, she told me that I broke her heart and trust. But, what did she do to me? Didn’t she do the same? Actually worse. Not only did she break my heart and trust, but played with my feelings, emotions and life. While I did it to try to save her from what she was going through not abandon her. In love, I gave her my entire being, the power to destroy me... and she did!
I asked her what if I was not strong enough to live through what I am and gave up my life. Would she be able to live with the fact that bec of her someone is no more. Or that a young boy would grow up without a father? Or my parents living without their son? Or my siblings not having a brother? And you know what? She didn’t think anything except about herself and her family. Sometimes I wish to just end it and let her live with these thoughts. Let’s see if she will be able to survive even a day. Well, now, it may not even affect her. Or maybe back then too. Else how can anyone do something like this. All she told me was "You can cope with it", while she was have a jolly good time.
You know. I love my son to bits. I’d do pretty much anything for him. Just short of killing someone. Maybe I’d do that too. At times, I look at him and think that he is the reason am not with Bambino and I actually thought to myself once that if he didn't exist I would have been with Bambino. What a bastard I am right? Bec she said that she didn’t want to separate a father from his child. Initially, it was tough for me to look at him. But now I know he’s not the reason. Maybe she was just thinking of excuses and reasons for not marrying me. Rather than thinking of reasons to marry me. She needed only one reason to marry me but made a million excuses not to.
Her latest excuses after 18 months were:
I didn’t know whether to laugh, cry or kill myself. I mean, come on. You apologise and then give more reasons? It’s like hugging someone and then stabbing them in the back with the same hand. I reminded her that I said “All love never ends in marriage” right at the beginning of our relationship and a couple of months later I began asking her to marry me. So how can this be a reason?
On the 2nd point, I reminded her that I had said “I’d keep you both” in jest to whenever she commented that I was enjoying life with 2 women, my estranged wife and her. Me and enjoying life? With 2 women? Heck I could not enjoy life with 1. I told her that I was as serious in having 2 wives simultaneously as she was in saying I was enjoying life with 2 women. Not only my estranged wife, but she would keep making jibes at me that I was seeing other women behind her back and actually accused me with a couple of them. Well I knew she was kidding, but thinking bout it now, I don't think she was, maybe another justified reason for her to leave me stranded. With her I never looked at another woman let alone wanting to do anything with them.
As usual no response. She then started making other excuses, saying that she went ahead and said yes because I had apparently again told her on one of our dates that “all love doesn’t end in marriage” and hence when his proposal came the second time she agreed. When I had to remind her that this was after she had already told him and the family yes. I gave her the date and venue where we met and what we discussed. Finally I told her, she can make any number of reasons and excuses and all were justified for her marrying another man and not discussing anything with me. I was just so damn tired of listening to them. As long as the reasons and excuses make her happy, then good for her. She can be satisfied that she did no wrong and live peacefully and happy.
So moving on..
I sleep in fits and starts. At night I don’t want to sleep because am too scared of losing control of my conscious mind. And in the morning don’t want to wake up. I go to bed and wake up looking at the empty side where she would have lain. Thinking that her husband will get to see her the first and last thing everyday. Thought of another man kissing her lips and caressing her body. To make me forget these, a friend suggested I watch porn. But that was almost a fatal error. From just being thoughts, they were graphic thoughts and images in my mind. It drove me crazy almost to the point of hurting myself. Kept getting thoughts of his slimy, snaky hands wrapped around her body. Bambino looking at me with searching eyes asking me to do something, but I was tied down by her and looked back her her helplessly, seeing him devour her. (LG rambles: What an idea for a tattoo. Naked chick with black snake wrapped around her. Awesome. Thanx)
It took me months to recover from this episode. Extended therapy sessions, more medication. Finally I started meditation. I had to gain control of my mind and did not want to rely on medication and others' support all the time. The permanent solution was me getting back control of my mind a body.
The medication has taken a toll on my body and have undergone not only physical but also mental and emotional change. I’m not as strong as I once was. My confidence, security, trust everything has been shattered and I do not even know where and how to begin to piece my life back. I’m not even a shadow of the man I once was. But I only know that I have to be strong and keep living. I cannot give up on life. My son needs me. And I cannot let her live with thoughts if anything happens to me. I rather live with the thoughts myself.
For the first few months I couldn’t even get myself to go out. All the places just reminded me of our times together. Shopping. Eating. Movies. There were a couple of instances where I actually visited a particular restaurant and shop and walked out immediately before I broke down. I’ve not bought anything in the past 2 years, just can’t get myself to. I think or rather get thoughts of her doing these things with her husband. Vacationing, Weekends, Dinners, Movies et al. The only person who will keep hurting in this situation is me. And most when she has children. I’m not sure how I will handle it but I have to prepare myself mentally. (LG rambles: Duh. No you don't. It's her problem not yours)
Unfortunately we have common friends and barring a couple no one knew or even know about us. So off and on they do talk about her and I just listen and stare blankly and try not to register what they are talking. I wanted to move out of this godforsaken city, but can’t for my entire life is built in and around it.
Fortunately or unfortunately, my work demands that I travel. And I have to transit not only through the airport she left and returned from her honeymoon but also to the city where she began her honeymoon. My first trip out was an emotional mess. I was nervous, jittery whatever you may say. I almost walked out of the airport. Well I did actually. Had a few cigarettes and then went back in. But I was a nervous wreck. Am sure I had the eyes of most of the security staff on me. I looked suspicious and nervous. I couldn’t even sit in the lounge, so I headed to the smoking room and spent the next 30 mins smoking one cigarette after another. I was doing it to while away the time. It still affects me when I transit through the airport. Thoughts and emotions flash by but, I’ve gotten used to living with them. I still try to spend as little time as I can at the airport. I web check-in most of the time and pack in such a way that I do not have to check-in my bags so that I can make a quick getaway. I even try not to fly the same airline that she flew. Yes I know you think I’m crazy. Everybody does. But again everybody is not going through or experiencing what I am. (LG rambles: Who cares. It's your problem. Deal with it man)
My friends have asked me to try dating other women but am not open to it. And some even suggested trying to make it work with my wife. I was set up on a couple of dates. But they were disasters. I can’t even think of going out with another woman, I’m in love with Bambino. Just because Bambino can go and love, create dreams and a future with another does not mean I can or have to. Am I being fair to the other women, using them in trying to get over Bambino? They are not a piece of flesh to me, they are human, with feelings and emotions. And I’m not gonna play with theirs like how mine were played with.
Forget being intimate with another woman, I can’t get myself to hold their hands or have a conversation. Just the thought of another woman touching me not only scares me but affects me emotionally. Because deep down I am committed to Bambino. People tell me that she’s a just another woman and I’ll get over her soon. But is it so? Is it so easy to get over your loved one? Someone you wanted to spend the rest of your life with? To get the thoughts out of your mind? It’s easy for people to say it when they have not experienced it or going through it.
For the matter of fact, she even told me that if she can do it then why not me? Uh hello?! She was not the one to get dumped on her sorry ass and left to pick up the pieces of her life and heart. Her dreams and future were not crushed while her loved one is enjoying her life and creating a future with another. Maybe it’s easy for her to love another and find happiness, passion, romance but I’m not her. She doesn’t know what it is to be in love with someone. To give your entire being to someone. Love and life is not a game for me. One minute here and the next minute with someone else. That’s not my cup of tea. Sorry! But again she's not me. And she did this on her own free will unlike it being thrusted and forced upon me. (LG rambles: Accept it and move on already!!)
While we were together for 2 1/2 years, we never had sex, because I gave her my word that till we were married we would not. It was not easy to abstain from it but I did, only because I was in love with her and wanted to marry her. There was this one time when I told her I wanted to make love to her. She held my hand and led me to the room. It was a really intense moment and it took all my will power to control. While we were not having sex, we were intimate - emotionally and spiritually. Put together all the sex that I had had before meeting Bambino, paled in front of the feelings, emotions and passion she would stir up in me by just holding my hands. (LG rambles: Duh! You can't compare oranges to bananas)
People say time heals all. But thats a whole load of crap. With time I have just learnt to live with it and bear it. Scratch lightly below the surface and it’s as raw and deep as the first day. It’s become a way of life for me. Just like eating and breathing. Actually more like disease that slowly gets worse and no cure for it. Or like a beautiful waterfall, from far people admire the beauty but all the damage and corrosion happens where one cannot see. So what do I have to do? Take it on the chin and bear it. And keep smiling.
Whenever I would tell her something, she would just ignore it and take me for granted, but when another person would say the same thing, it would be done without any delay. But it never stopped me from sharing my thoughts and guiding her and never will. I’m the only one who does not benefit or benefitted from her and I don’t intend to as I have no expectations. I’ve always thought for her good and happiness and always will. Barring the decision of marrying another man, every other decision that she made after discussion with me has seen her come out with flying colours and benefit immensely and made her happy. Well I hope this decision of hers too benefits her immensely and makes her happy. Actually I can see it already has. Homes or rather mansions in different cities, high-flying lifestyle, exotic holidays from snow-capped mountains to warm sunny beaches, shopping at some of the best boutiques, eating at the best restaurants, every and any luxury at her feet. So did she actually sacrifice anything?
Maybe she was never serious about me and never took me seriously. Maybe Love was just another 4-letter word for her. For me, it’s my entire life and I take life very seriously. Not only mine but other's too.
When I told her that I had spoken about us to a couple of friends, she was livid. Well I was just sharing what I was going through and needed my friends’ support. But for her, she thought I was out to ruin her life and let everyone know about us. Amazing isn’t it. So now, I have to be extra careful in not only what I say or do but also what I think. I’m also very sure that she has not told her friends the entire truth, that’s is if she has told anybody anything. Well it does not matter to me. She has a million reasons and all are justified. I think she did tell one of her friends and he did tell her to dump me and she broke it off for a few weeks. But we were back again. Before I forget, he even told her that she will be the one who will get hurt in this relationship. Thats the funny part. She listened to everyone that were not involved in our relationship except her and me.
And I almost forgot. I mentioned something about immoral I did. Well not immoral to me. I hired some private detectives to do a background check on his family. And what they came back with totally amazed me. I literally had the power to wreck havoc in her life or rather her husband’s. But I didn’t bec it would affect her too. I stopped further investigation and destroyed all the findings. And yes, I did tell her and she told me that I was not her father to do it and had no right to meddle in her life. I wish her father did some background check. She’s right, I’m a nobody for her. Just took me too long to realise it or rather I still do not realise it. But she’s important to me and I swore to myself that no matter what I would always be there to support her and be there for her whenever she needed me. Though I do not want to have anything to do with her, but when she's in trouble I'll be there for her. (LG rambles: Been listening to Bon Jovi's 'I'll be there for you'?)
I consider her my Soulmate. No one ever got me and understood me like the way she did. Never shared a connection with anybody like I did with her. Well not that it matters anymore.
At best I’m ok and boy you do not want to know my bad days...
am more at peace and these thoughts just pass without disturbing me... too much that is. I just wanted to end it all. It was too much for me to handle. Was this the price I had to pay for falling in love? For giving myself up completely. Mind. Body. Heart and Soul. And left with nothing but thoughts? I wish she had shot me in the head before marrying another man so I would not have had to live to see this day, my love marrying another man, or to live through the feelings and emotion, of her being with another man. (LG rambles: My double-barreled shotgun offer is still open)Don’t people get married to people who have been married before? Celebrities. Politicians. Sportspeople. Saif/Kareena - not yet married but he’s been married before, Boney/Sridevi
, Shashi Tharoor, Anil Kumble, Mahesh Bhupathi, Sanjay Dutt, Aamir Khan, Karishma Kapoor, Hema Malini... to name a few.What was I supposed to do? Go back to my wife who I didn’t have a relationship
with? That’s exactly what she told me. And a few months after her wedding she even told me if things were that bad then why don’t I just divorce my wife. And I was shocked. How much worse could it be? Estranged marriage. I fell in love with Bambino. I wanted to marry and have a family with her. And spend every living moment by her side.While we were together she never let me. And now? Because she’s happily married and if I did divorce my wife now it would not reflect on her. It wouldn’t have reflected on her earlier too. Bec my wife and I were estranged before we even met. What gave her the right to tell me now?! Is she feeling guilty or bad that my life is in tatters and her’s is soaring on the path of love and happiness? But why should it concern her anyways? When she had to be concerned and think about me she didn’t. Why now then? To show me how wonderful her life is and how sucky mine is? That she made the right choice by leaving me stranded? Rubbing salt in my raw wounds. (LG rambles: You are right. You or your life has no bearing on her's so can it dude)
I gave up everything for love and she gave up love for everything. Well she now has everything! A good, comfortable and secured life. The love of her husband. A loving family. Above all, a life that she knew I would not be able to provide her. I’m happy for her. Maybe she already knew that she would not be happy with me and hence married another man without considering my feeling and emotions. T'was a no brainer for her.
After the call to her husband, she told me that I broke her heart and trust. But, what did she do to me? Didn’t she do the same? Actually worse. Not only did she break my heart and trust, but played with my feelings, emotions and life. While I did it to try to save her from what she was going through not abandon her. In love, I gave her my entire being, the power to destroy me... and she did!
I asked her what if I was not strong enough to live through what I am and gave up my life. Would she be able to live with the fact that bec of her someone is no more. Or that a young boy would grow up without a father? Or my parents living without their son? Or my siblings not having a brother? And you know what? She didn’t think anything except about herself and her family. Sometimes I wish to just end it and let her live with these thoughts. Let’s see if she will be able to survive even a day. Well, now, it may not even affect her. Or maybe back then too. Else how can anyone do something like this. All she told me was "You can cope with it", while she was have a jolly good time.
You know. I love my son to bits. I’d do pretty much anything for him. Just short of killing someone. Maybe I’d do that too. At times, I look at him and think that he is the reason am not with Bambino and I actually thought to myself once that if he didn't exist I would have been with Bambino. What a bastard I am right? Bec she said that she didn’t want to separate a father from his child. Initially, it was tough for me to look at him. But now I know he’s not the reason. Maybe she was just thinking of excuses and reasons for not marrying me. Rather than thinking of reasons to marry me. She needed only one reason to marry me but made a million excuses not to.
Her latest excuses after 18 months were:
- You said that all love never ends
- You said you would keep both of us
I didn’t know whether to laugh, cry or kill myself. I mean, come on. You apologise and then give more reasons? It’s like hugging someone and then stabbing them in the back with the same hand. I reminded her that I said “All love never ends in marriage” right at the beginning of our relationship and a couple of months later I began asking her to marry me. So how can this be a reason?
On the 2nd point, I reminded her that I had said “I’d keep you both” in jest to whenever she commented that I was enjoying life with 2 women, my estranged wife and her. Me and enjoying life? With 2 women? Heck I could not enjoy life with 1. I told her that I was as serious in having 2 wives simultaneously as she was in saying I was enjoying life with 2 women. Not only my estranged wife, but she would keep making jibes at me that I was seeing other women behind her back and actually accused me with a couple of them. Well I knew she was kidding, but thinking bout it now, I don't think she was, maybe another justified reason for her to leave me stranded. With her I never looked at another woman let alone wanting to do anything with them.
As usual no response. She then started making other excuses, saying that she went ahead and said yes because I had apparently again told her on one of our dates that “all love doesn’t end in marriage” and hence when his proposal came the second time she agreed. When I had to remind her that this was after she had already told him and the family yes. I gave her the date and venue where we met and what we discussed. Finally I told her, she can make any number of reasons and excuses and all were justified for her marrying another man and not discussing anything with me. I was just so damn tired of listening to them. As long as the reasons and excuses make her happy, then good for her. She can be satisfied that she did no wrong and live peacefully and happy.
So moving on..
I sleep in fits and starts. At night I don’t want to sleep because am too scared of losing control of my conscious mind. And in the morning don’t want to wake up. I go to bed and wake up looking at the empty side where she would have lain. Thinking that her husband will get to see her the first and last thing everyday. Thought of another man kissing her lips and caressing her body. To make me forget these, a friend suggested I watch porn. But that was almost a fatal error. From just being thoughts, they were graphic thoughts and images in my mind. It drove me crazy almost to the point of hurting myself. Kept getting thoughts of his slimy, snaky hands wrapped around her body. Bambino looking at me with searching eyes asking me to do something, but I was tied down by her and looked back her her helplessly, seeing him devour her. (LG rambles: What an idea for a tattoo. Naked chick with black snake wrapped around her. Awesome. Thanx)
It took me months to recover from this episode. Extended therapy sessions, more medication. Finally I started meditation. I had to gain control of my mind and did not want to rely on medication and others' support all the time. The permanent solution was me getting back control of my mind a body.
The medication has taken a toll on my body and have undergone not only physical but also mental and emotional change. I’m not as strong as I once was. My confidence
, security, trust everything has been shattered and I do not even know where and how to begin to piece my life back. I’m not even a shadow of the man I once was. But I only know that I have to be strong and keep living. I cannot give up on life. My son needs me. And I cannot let her live with thoughts if anything happens to me. I rather live with the thoughts myself.For the first few months I couldn’t even get myself to go out. All the places just reminded me of our times together. Shopping. Eating. Movies. There were a couple of instances where I actually visited a particular restaurant and shop and walked out immediately before I broke down. I’ve not bought anything in the past 2 years, just can’t get myself to. I think or rather get thoughts of her doing these things with her husband. Vacationing, Weekends, Dinners, Movies et al. The only person who will keep hurting in this situation is me. And most when she has children. I’m not sure how I will handle it but I have to prepare myself mentally. (LG rambles: Duh. No you don't. It's her problem not yours)
Unfortunately we have common friends and barring a couple no one knew or even know about us. So off and on they do talk about her and I just listen and stare blankly and try not to register what they are talking. I wanted to move out of this godforsaken city, but can’t for my entire life is built in and around it.
Fortunately or unfortunately, my work demands that I travel. And I have to transit not only through the airport she left and returned from her honeymoon but also to the city where she began her honeymoon. My first trip out was an emotional mess. I was nervous, jittery whatever you may say. I almost walked out of the airport. Well I did actually. Had a few cigarettes and then went back in. But I was a nervous wreck. Am sure I had the eyes of most of the security staff on me. I looked suspicious and nervous. I couldn’t even sit in the lounge, so I headed to the smoking
room and spent the next 30 mins smoking one cigarette after another. I was doing it to while away the time. It still affects me when I transit through the airport. Thoughts and emotions flash by but, I’ve gotten used to living with them. I still try to spend as little time as I can at the airport. I web check-in most of the time and pack in such a way that I do not have to check-in my bags so that I can make a quick getaway. I even try not to fly the same airline that she flew. Yes I know you think I’m crazy. Everybody does. But again everybody is not going through or experiencing what I am. (LG rambles: Who cares. It's your problem. Deal with it man)My friends have asked me to try dating other women but am not open to it. And some even suggested trying to make it work with my wife. I was set up on a couple of dates. But they were disasters. I can’t even think of going out with another woman, I’m in love with Bambino. Just because Bambino can go and love, create dreams and a future with another does not mean I can or have to. Am I being fair to the other women, using them in trying to get over Bambino? They are not a piece of flesh to me, they are human, with feelings and emotions. And I’m not gonna play with theirs like how mine were played with.
Forget being intimate with another woman, I can’t get myself to hold their hands or have a conversation. Just the thought of another woman touching me not only scares me but affects me emotionally. Because deep down I am committed
to Bambino. People tell me that she’s a just another woman and I’ll get over her soon. But is it so? Is it so easy to get over your loved one? Someone you wanted to spend the rest of your life with? To get the thoughts out of your mind? It’s easy for people to say it when they have not experienced it or going through it.For the matter of fact, she even told me that if she can do it then why not me? Uh hello?! She was not the one to get dumped on her sorry ass and left to pick up the pieces of her life and heart. Her dreams and future were not crushed while her loved one is enjoying her life and creating a future with another. Maybe it’s easy for her to love another and find happiness, passion, romance but I’m not her. She doesn’t know what it is to be in love with someone. To give your entire being to someone. Love and life is not a game for me. One minute here and the next minute with someone else. That’s not my cup of tea. Sorry! But again she's not me. And she did this on her own free will unlike it being thrusted and forced upon me. (LG rambles: Accept it and move on already!!)
On second thoughts, she is right. If she can then why not me? I’m mentally and emotionally screwed up, but why should I stop myself from the carnal pleasures of the body! Moreover she’s definitely doing it a few times a week maybe even a few times a day.
of the body! Moreover she’s definitely doing it a few times a week maybe even a few times a day.While we were together for 2 1/2 years, we never had sex
, because I gave her my word that till we were married we would not. It was not easy to abstain from it but I did, only because I was in love with her and wanted to marry her. There was this one time when I told her I wanted to make love to her. She held my hand and led me to the room. It was a really intense moment and it took all my will power to control. While we were not having sex, we were intimate - emotionally and spiritually. Put together all the sex that I had had before meeting Bambino, paled in front of the feelings, emotions and passion she would stir up in me by just holding my hands. (LG rambles: Duh! You can't compare oranges to bananas)People say time heals all
. But thats a whole load of crap. With time I have just learnt to live with it and bear it. Scratch lightly below the surface and it’s as raw and deep as the first day. It’s become a way of life for me. Just like eating and breathing. Actually more like disease that slowly gets worse and no cure for it. Or like a beautiful waterfall, from far people admire the beauty but all the damage and corrosion happens where one cannot see. So what do I have to do? Take it on the chin and bear it. And keep smiling.Whenever I would tell her something, she would just ignore it and take me for granted, but when another person would say the same thing, it would be done without any delay. But it never stopped me from sharing my thoughts and guiding her and never will. I’m the only one who does not benefit or benefitted from her and I don’t intend to as I have no expectations. I’ve always thought for her good and happiness and always will. Barring the decision of marrying another man, every other decision that she made after discussion with me has seen her come out with flying colours and benefit immensely and made her happy. Well I hope this decision of hers too benefits her immensely and makes her happy. Actually I can see it already has. Homes or rather mansions in different cities, high-flying lifestyle, exotic holidays from snow-capped mountains to warm sunny beaches, shopping at some of the best boutiques, eating at the best restaurants, every and any luxury at her feet. So did she actually sacrifice anything?
Maybe she was never serious about me and never took me seriously. Maybe Love was just another 4-letter word
for her. For me, it’s my entire life and I take life very seriously. Not only mine but other's too.When I told her that I had spoken about us to a couple of friends, she was livid. Well I was just sharing what I was going through and needed my friends’ support. But for her, she thought I was out to ruin her life and let everyone know about us. Amazing isn’t it. So now, I have to be extra careful in not only what I say or do but also what I think. I’m also very sure that she has not told her friends the entire truth, that’s is if she has told anybody anything. Well it does not matter to me. She has a million reasons and all are justified. I think she did tell one of her friends and he did tell her to dump me and she broke it off for a few weeks. But we were back again. Before I forget, he even told her that she will be the one who will get hurt in this relationship. Thats the funny part. She listened to everyone that were not involved in our relationship except her and me.
And I almost forgot. I mentioned something about immoral I did. Well not immoral to me. I hired some private detectives to do a background check on his family. And what they came back with totally amazed me. I literally had the power to wreck havoc in her life or rather her husband’s. But I didn’t bec it would affect her too. I stopped further investigation and destroyed all the findings. And yes, I did tell her and she told me that I was not her father to do it and had no right to meddle in her life. I wish her father did some background check. She’s right, I’m a nobody for her. Just took me too long to realise it or rather I still do not realise it. But she’s important to me and I swore to myself that no matter what I would always be there to support her and be there for her whenever she needed me. Though I do not want to have anything to do with her, but when she's in trouble I'll be there for her. (LG rambles: Been listening to Bon Jovi's 'I'll be there for you'?)
I consider her my Soulmate.
No one ever got me and understood me like the way she did. Never shared a connection with anybody like I did with her. Well not that it matters anymore.At best I’m ok and boy you do not want to know my bad days...
Dear Mr.Devdas,
ReplyDeleteI couldn’t help but comment after reading your rambling story. Pardon me for being very frank.
Has it occurred to you at all that miss.B may actually want to see you happy and successful in your life…….coz she loves you. She loves/loved you is somethg you keep repeating thru out the 5/6 episodes u’ve written ….but u never seem to believe it. So dude its not only her but u too hv serious trust issues.
When I read your story, I felt that she never trusted you coz ur inaction spoke louder than your words. If you were sooo mad about her you would hv gone to any lengths to make her ur own. You would hv pulled out all stops as it were….divorced your wife for starters, just to instill confidence in ur loved one….(but unfortunately you seem to hv kept ur first wife as a stop-gap arrangement). …also u would hv found a way to tlk to her parents and convince them with or without her permission. And if they still didn’t relent , u would hv eloped and married and handled them later …
As a person who has loved wholeheartedly and married the love of his life….i think the inaction cost u ur love. The fact that you cldn’t atlst hv sex with her ….is what u seem to be regretting actually…(u wouldn’t hv clld it ‘hvg sex’ otherwise….if all u wntd to do was make love to her).
So dude stop drowning in self pity and spare a kind thought to the girl you claimed to have loved. Don’t demonise her by sayg she wants u divorced so that ur life can suck big time….and that will give her pleasure….atrocious! Do u really know the meaning of love dude?
My free advice is …stop lamenting over spilt milk and make something of your life….coz only if u r happy ur loved one can be happy too. Good luck!
A well wisher.
Thank you for your comment. Your points are all valid and has been communicated to the Charles. He has forgiven her and moved on and is back to enjoying life.
DeleteThere is another update to this coming up soon which will change your perception.
Bambino knows exactly what all Charles did for her. He pulled out all stops. His inaction was his undoing. However his inaction was based on her actions / future actions. And finally when she was ready to take their relationship further, they discussed marriage, the very next day she went ahead and said yes to another man. The same man she said she would never marry under any circumstance.
She finally told him that she was never in love with him. And it was a waste to even give him a second of her time. And that she wants to hurt him for the rest of her life. And that he was her biggest mistake.
Dear Charles,
DeleteIt was very heartening to know that you have moved on. I hope this series was just a way of venting and finding closure. Although I must say, if your B knew everything about your feelings and efforts ( both of you seem to hv communicated with each other in person) then the picture you've painted of her is totally incongruent. She is no Angel....a WITCH rather. Have a great life!
:-) strong opinion I must say. Charles does not see her as a witch. I think he's still n love with her. And that's nothing wrong. It jus shows after all that she did to him or didn't do, he's committed that she always be happy.
DeleteHowever on that note, he has definitely got closure and more importantly completion. He's forgiven her. Not for her sake but for his own sake. The past is the past, unfortunately we cannot forget our past.
:-) so true........
Delete( LG it would hv been interesting to know B's version....she too must hv gone thru hell.)
:-) she wanted an easy and comfortable life. n she has it now. If hell is exotic vacations in snow capped mountains and soft sandy beaches, weekend luxury getaways, dining in luxury, shopping in unpronounceable boutiques, being driven in big luxury cars, living in a luxurious apartment, owning a mansion, owning prime tracts of land, being splashed on by gold jewelry, hobnobbing with the rich n famous, relatives in high positions, future secured... sure give me hell anytime ;-)
Deletedear minky ... to clarify on the sex part ... Charles had the opportunity within a week of proclaiming his love to her and several opportunities thereafter including after she was engaged) ... but he honored his word of not till they were married so that if in the future things didn't work out, he didn't want her to feel he took advantage of her... but instead got taken advantage off ... it has not been easy for him to come to terms with Bambino marrying another man ... I've been with Charles to his psychiatrist and seen him bawl like a baby n literally bang his head on the table bec his thoughts were uncontrollable ... A couple of friends were with him the night she was getting married ... We saw him mix his medication with alcohol and only allowed him to do it that night ... to let him get his emotions out and an hour later he passed out and slept for a few hours ... We took turns keeping an eye on him ... Didn't let him out of our sight incase he landed up doing something stupid .. which he tried ... he carries the mark of his love and passion on his arm hidden from the world ... Bambino and her husband carry the mark of passion n lust on their necks for the world to see ...
DeleteDear Mr.Devdas,
ReplyDeleteI couldn’t help but comment after reading your rambling story. Pardon me for being very frank.
Has it occurred to you at all that miss.B may actually want to see you happy and successful in your life…….coz she loves you. She loves/loved you is somethg you keep repeating thru out the 5/6 episodes u’ve written ….but u never seem to believe it. So dude its not only her but u too hv serious trust issues.
When I read your story, I felt that she never trusted you coz ur inaction spoke louder than your words. If you were sooo mad about her you would hv gone to any lengths to make her ur own. You would hv pulled out all stops as it were….divorced your wife for starters, just to instill confidence in ur loved one….(but unfortunately you seem to hv kept ur first wife as a stop-gap arrangement). …also u would hv found a way to tlk to her parents and convince them with or without her permission. And if they still didn’t relent , u would hv eloped and married and handled them later …
As a person who has loved wholeheartedly and married the love of his life….i think the inaction cost u ur love. The fact that you cldn’t atlst hv sex with her ….is what u seem to be regretting actually…(u wouldn’t hv clld it ‘hvg sex’ otherwise….if all u wntd to do was make love to her).
So dude stop drowning in self pity and spare a kind thought to the girl you claimed to have loved. Don’t demonise her by sayg she wants u divorced so that ur life can suck big time….and that will give her pleasure….atrocious! Do u really know the meaning of love dude?
My free advice is …stop lamenting over spilt milk and make something of your life….coz only if u r happy ur loved one can be happy too. Good luck!
A well wisher.
Hi LG,
ReplyDeleteI hv to admit that i read the story about ur friend in a diff light, mostly influenced by the memory it triggered in me. U’ve been a good friend and probably, rightly, batted for Charles and not Bambino.
There are a few things about ur friend’s tale that really inspires me to make this post. At the outset, i’d like to make it clear that there really is nothing in common with the people that make up these stories.
I am writing about a very dear friend(so it will be a brief account with no details). She was a simple girl who fell in love for the first time with this guy, who came into her life one fine day, just out of the blue. No, it wasn’t love at first sight....r girl was quite timid and didn’t really make herself familiar with strangers without reason. The guy gradually started showing some interest and then began showering her with a lot of attention whenever they bumped into each other. She thought he was the sweetest person she’d ever met . He came across as very caring and thoughtful ...a perfect gentleman! Over a period of time their affection grew and they fell deeply in love...atleast that’s what my friend thought. They had some mutual friends who kept things moving between them.
By the time E (lets call the girl E and the guy M) really understood her feelings for him and decided to respond to his overtures, small chinks started showg up in his character. In her own words, the very next day she found him passionately flirting with another girl.....now i really don’t understand what my inexperienced E meant by ‘passionate flirting’....but one thing is for sure that she was extremely disturbed by it. Things went quiet for a few days thereafter....she couldn’t really get him or the incident out of her mind . But the fact was that she was already in love with him, so the minute his friend came to his rescue and explained that it was really nothing and that he’d stopped it the minute he learnt of her misery, she decided to put the memory away.....only for it to haunt her later :-( .
continued....
i know both charles and bambino equally well ... was one of the very very very few who were privy to their relationship ... saying i was shocked by what she did is an understatement ... i've seen charles destroy his life ... to a point where we did not recognize him ... to a point where we almost lost him ... but now ... he's not only bounced back from what he calls 'experience of a lifetime' and has become a person that's transformed and altered his entire way of being ... in the entire ordeal after bambino said yes to marry the person she previously declined and said she would never marry under any circumstance, till recently a duration that spanned over 2 years .. not once did she ask him or anybody how Charles was doing ... and whenever she wanted something of Charles she would contact him ... he provided her with his unconditional support and never expected anything in return ... he continues to be committed that she is and always will be happy under every and any circumstance ... for him her being happy is second to none ..
DeleteI think love works in mysterious ways.......who can explain why people fall in love...what attractions lead to such strong emotions.Also it affects diff people differently. For E it had become her entire world. Once E acknowledged her own feelings for the guy, there was no looking back but she cldn’t really get over her timidity and announce it to him. She did respond to his affections but preferred to communicate her true feelings thru his close friends....yeah, I know.....PURE STUPIDITY!
ReplyDeleteI can understand that coz I knw her.....she was extremely shy and she was also someone who saw the world in black and white....no sir, there were no grey shades for her then....(thank GOD, she’s grown up now and knows that there is mostly grey and hardly any pure whites / blacks in human interactions). But anyway, things were happy & bright (and actually seemed magical to E...like first love always feels) in E & M’s world. They were two young people still finding their way in the world....E was more settled than M at that point but that didn’t seem to deter them.....coz they would support each other.
Then slowly things started falling apart for E. M’s closest friend started coming up with small revelations about him.....(till this day there is no way of knowing the truth). Slowly but steadily he built a picture of M which was definitely not trustworthy.....E didn’t know what to believe.....but why would his closest friend talk such crap about him ? This guy literally lived with him day in and day out....why would he cast aspersions on his closest friend’s character unless it was true. He told her that M was never serious about her - i quote ‘he is a flirt and doesn’t really mean anything serious’ - and that he would never marry her as his parents wouldn’t be happy coz they belonged to diff communities . He told her that M was interested in her but he just meant to have a nice time going out and enjoyg each other’s company but when it came to marryg he’d go with his parent’s choice of girl and that he has had and is also hvg a lot of such casual reltnshps....and what he revealed didn’t seem to be generally cooked up stories....there were specific instances and references which could be verified to a certain extent....by other friends who knew him....(infact most of the times by another mutual friend of their’s).
continued...
Anyway E underwent months of pure agony .....not knowing what to believe but constantly being poisoned against M by none other than their own close friends ( it is very painful to hear hurtful things about a loved one, isn’t it? ). I told her that the best thing would be to confront M and be done with it either ways.....what's the point of going mad over something u cldn’t really resolve on ur own. But I think somewhere she suspected him of being a flirt and a playboy....the earlier memory haunted her constantly.
ReplyDeleteDo u really need a reason to fall in love and if yes, then, when the very root of such affection turns out to be a facade, wouldn’t u immediately fall out of love ? Apparently not.
I told her it wasn’t fair on him or her, just to agonize over someone else’s words...wasn’t it always better to know the truth, whatever it may be....but she didn’t heed my words...she was too afraid to know the truth...in her mad love for this guy she preferred to carry on the relationship as long as she could.
The way the story ends gives more credence to his friend’s words.....It just ended as abruptly as it started....M got a better job in a diff city. He just said bye to her and left :(Can u imagine how shattered E was ? I met her that day....and was actually scared for her coz she was totally numb....kept pretending to be normal but her face was all swollen from crying. It is more dangerous to keep things bottled up within u....to this day she hasn’t told any of her friends what she did that day. Anyhow we were all worried for her and didn’t know how this was going to erupt.....coz she really was hiding a volcano that was about blow within her.
However she tried to make one last effort to reach out to him as he hadn’t bothered to contact her after he left. She was dissuaded by a friend though, who confirmed that he was already busy dating a girl from his new workplace. Then the pall of gloom that fell over E’s world was complete.
But God too acts in mysterious ways....he sent someone who could love her, take care of her and bring peace to her.....she fell in love with her saviour & finally married him. She is living a very happy married life today. BUT somewhere that sadness still lingers......for eg.(on a lighter note)..a decade ago her fav book was ‘ hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy ‘ but now she has managed to read and actually appreciate classics like Sense & sensibility, Of human bondage, Wuthering heights .etc..
continued...
Now, your ‘first love’ can never be forgotten....and what if she actually messed it up for them??? If she actually hurt him by not even giving him a chance to explain. It so happened that some years later she got to know thru some friends(‘again’) that some of the things she had heard earlier about M were totally untrue. She too feels today that she was such a fool, not to have cleared her doubts then and there.
ReplyDeleteGod only knows why things happened the way they happened....probably it was never meant to be....:-( ....she is definitely happy and busy with her kid (who is a handful)and husband but she also feels very guilty that she can’t erase these memories (she feels that thinking about M is being unfaithful to her husband). At the same time there is also this inexplicable urge to know that M is happy , successful and leading a good life somewhere. Like you said, bygones r bygones...it is not like she is absorbed by these memories all the time......but they surely exist and to borrow Charles’s words, u just need to scratch the serene surface a bit to expose the still raw wounds.
Come to think of it...... people who casually knew of this affair would naturally think that the girl chose the guy with the better means....wouldn’t they? But the truth will always remain the same, however anyone tries to subvert it.
We’ll never know M’s side of the story. Sometimes i feel, it is better if M is really like how his friend had described him to be...in that case, only one person would hv suffered in this entire ordeal......but then again, for my friend’s sake I really hope he loved her......if he really did love her , why did he leave her without telling anything? I know either ways it will not make a difference today.....but it is always nice to believe in the existence of ‘true love’.
I took the liberty to post this story without her permission. My reasoning is this, nothing that I write tdy can be life altering to both parties. I will tell her to read it. She may get angry but I hope it brings her closure. Incase of M , if ( thats a very big IF) by GOD'S grace he ever gets to read this ..........and IF he really is a womanizing bastard , his ego may get a fillip but such a vain life is anyway worthless.......BUT if he was really crazy about E and was wronged inadvertently, then I'll be doing him (no, them) a service by tying up loose ends.
By the way LG...apologies to your friend, Charles for describing his story as ‘rambling’ when mine has turned out to be the same . Ah, what pleasure there is in venting :-) .
Thx a ton.
thank you fr your post.. i shall rewrite n post it soon :-)
DeleteDear LG,
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to share a friend's story with u....and that too coz i thought that this memory coloured my opinion of Charles....which was rather unfair of me. E has read what i wrote of her and thats all that matters.
I don't want u to rewrite and post it...(E would not approve of it). So pls let it remain a one on one conversation between us.
Thx.