Love, Sex and Marriage - Jilted in Love #4 - THE SACRIFICIAL GOAT

My God! It's been a while, over 5 weeks. But you can't blame me. My friend took ages to write. And then he sent me a monster post of 10,000 words. I've barely gone thru half of it, editing and rewriting. It's too long for one post, so I've split it up chapter-wise starting with 'The Beginning' and 'The Big Day'. In all 9 Chapters to be posted. Maybe 1 or 2 a week.

Believe you me. It’s not an easy one to edit, rewrite or read. Keep some tissues handy. 

Refer to #3 Charles and Bambino in my earlier post for background.

Cheers!

xxxxxxxxxx

THE SACRIFICIAL GOAT

“WHAT!!!???” ... The phone almost slipping from my hand. Felt like someone had punched a hole in my chest, squeezed and pulled my heart out; at the same time my head was spinning faster than the Earth’s rotation and my legs shaking and giving way. My entire body fell back onto the bed - lifeless. I feebly said “Yup. We’ll meet tomorrow.” 

I had just heard what no person would ever want to hear from the person they are in love with. The person they wanted to marry. The person whom they wanted to grow old with and die in their arms.

“Manas called me and asked me to marry him. I want to marry him. I want to be happy and my family will be happy too” said Bambino on the phone to me.

I just lay motionless on the bed staring at the fan. Thinking and not thinking at the same time. My mind racing all over the place. Not knowing what to make out off what I had just heard on the phone. My life as I knew ended that day.

I locked myself in the room and I cried. Cried for hours. All afternoon, evening and night, till I could cry no more. And then cried some more...

I do not expect you’ll to understand what I’m going through but to have a sense of it just ask yourself the following questions.

The person who you are in love with and who means everything to you and even says they are in love with you, someone you gave your entire being to - your mind, body, heart and soul, does the following:

• makes a life changing decision without considering your feelings and emotions like marrying someone else without even discussing it with you or asking you what would you do with your life and how would you live without them 
• does not give you a chance or allowing you to talk to their parents though in the past they were to marry someone who tried to molest them and married someone who they were clear that they will not marry 
• tells you that they want to live in peace and be happy and that you should be happy with the decision 
• tells you that they want to love another person and make a life with them 
• tells you that you’ll made a decision and now you’ll have to live with it though you were never part of the decision making 
• tells you to forget them and go back and continue with your sad, depressed, life 
• tells you that they never thought about you or the impact the decision would have on you 
• accuses you of playing safe and not being serious about them, though you gave everything in the relationship
• tells you that no matter what, even if they are unhappy, will never come back to you 
• tells you that you are being selfish while completely ignoring the fact that it is they who did the decision making only thinking about themselves 

Even after asking these questions to yourself, you will not understand the enormity, complexity and the full extent of my mental framework and the affect it has had on my life. (LG rambles: True buddy. My heart goes out to you. Forget a friend, I would not want something like this to happen to my enemy.)

Well that’s my story. So here goes...


The Beginning 

Going back half a decade, Bambino waltzed into my life as a breath of fresh air. I didn’t know it then but it was love at first sight. Neither did she. We hit it off from the first day we met. She was an angel sent to Earth. Her eyes were full of life and and energy and twinkled like the stars. Her voice was soft, soothing and melodious. The sound of her laughter was titillating. And when she smiled, the world became a brighter, better, happier place to live in. And yes she was absolutely stunning to look at.

Our chemistry was just electrifying. But there was one issue. Actually two pretty big ones: 1) she was engaged to be married in a few months and, 2) I was married with a three-year-old son. Well estranged is a better word. I was not looking for love and had resigned myself to my fate of not having love in my life and living only for my son. On the other hand she was looking forward to her wedding and blissful married life. Shortly thereafter it all crumbled for her. I was happy for her that it didn’t work out as he did try to molest her a couple of times. In spite of this, she did give him a chance and had planned to marry him. Nevertheless she was still shattered.

The next few months were terrible for her. She was torn and emotionally battered. I didn’t know what to tell her as I had never been in her situation. (LG rambles: Well you are now :-) ) Stood by her as her pillar of strength to make her feel better, to make her smile and laugh once again. It was a slow and tedious progress and she was back to her bubbly, charming self in a matter of a few months. The ever beaming smile on her face. The stars in her eyes. Her sweet melodious voice. The carefree loving person I knew.  Were all  back!

We were pretty good friends by then. Spoke and texted a lot but never really met alone. Always with friends. But whenever we were together, we had a blast. We were fond of each other but we had our boundaries.

Soon, we landed up spending a lot of time together. I was like the friend she never had. We had become the best of buddies and each other’s confidants. In those few months, we got to know each other better than ever. We had no secrets. No one ever got me like her. Slowly, I realised that the 2 of us were connected on multiple levels - Mentally, Physically, Spiritually & Emotionally. Though we were from different backgrounds, we enjoyed each other’s company. We spent hours on the phone and chat. Be it snacking at a road-side joint or enjoying a quite meal in a 5-star, shopping in the by-lanes or exclusive boutiques. We were just so comfortable around each other. We were like 2 halves of the same soul. We were soulmates.

We were terribly attracted to each other but both of us never looked at each other romantically. Some of our friends even commented or rather thought we were dating. But we just laughed it off. We were buddies. Well that’s what we thought then.

We grew closer than ever and knew each other's most intimate, deepest,  darkest and scariest secrets. At some point, about 15-18 months of meeting her, I travelled out of town for a couple of weeks. Though we spoke a couple of times in the day and were always chatting and texting, I missed her presence like hell. Couldn’t get that sweet floral scent, her tingling laughter and her dazzling smile out of my head. I was terribly confused, in an estranged marriage, never thought of finding love or falling in love. I had resigned myself to my fate where I get to meet my son every now and then and rest of the time focus on work. But was extremely glad to return and meet her and spend time with her. This made me most happy and contended.

I knew something was different in me and us. But couldn't decipher what. We both suddenly wanted each other more than ever.

The Big Day

The week I returned, we spent a lot of time together. We did things which we never did before like meeting up mid-day for lunch. Or leaving work early to catch a movie and dinner. There was this one day we had a spat for some silly reason earlier in the day. We were to meet our friends and coincidentally we both arrived early and were alone together. I was not talking to her and from the corner of my eye I could see her looking at me. And when I looked up at her she turned away and I saw her quickly wipe a tear from her eyes. My heart just melted. And BANG! I knew I was in love with her. I smiled and held out my hand to her and she put her soft dainty hands in mine. This was the first time I had held her hand. I have no words to describe the feeling. I could feel the love, passion and connection between us. Her face said it all and I gave her hand a light squeeze and smiled and she lit up like a X'mas tree.

We didn’t wait for the others to come and left the place. Took her to a park just so that we could walk and talk. It was the first time we went to a park. (LG rambles: That's all you'll did??? Talk!!??? No wonder she dumped your sorry ass) It was heavenly. I said, "I have to tell you something. ummm ... ahhhh",  I couldn’t get the damn words out. I didn’t know if she felt the same. She had just recovered from her break-up. It was emotionally hard on her. I thought she would slap me or something. She knew I wanted to say it and kept coaxing me saying, "It's ok. You can tell me whatever you want to", but I just couldn’t. Thoughts were racing through my mind. What would she think of me? We were the best of friends. Am I taking advantage of her? Have I misread the feelings? So I just told her, "You are more than a friend to me. I care for you deeply and will never let any harm come your way. I want you to be happy. Always!" (LG rambles: You freaking moron. You have no Cojones.)

I couldn't sleep that night. Excited and nervous. Twisting and turning in bed. Could not stop thinking about her. I knew I had to tell her.

The next day I told her I wanted to meet her. I picked her up and we sat in the car, sharing coconut water. And she drank most of it. In her sweet, sensual voice she said, "Just say it. I will not think anything bad about you" and then smiled, like she knew what I wanted to say. But I had a big lump in my throat. Finally, I mustered up some courage and said, "I'm  in love with you. I've been in love with you since the first day I laid my eyes on you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you and die in your arms."

Silence...

It seemed that everything had suddenly come to a standstill, waiting for her to react. I was waiting for her hand to smack me on the face. But she just smiled and said. "I don't know if it's love or what, but I do care for you a lot and I've been having these mixed emotions too." After all I was still married and not divorced.

I said to her, "I do not have any ulterior motive and will never take advantage of you. I'm in love with you and till we are married we will not have sex ". And yes! I did uphold that promise though on numerous occasions we desperately wanted each other. It took all my strength and will power to stick by my word. (LG rambles: Moron! If she wanted it, should have given it. No Cojones.) We did have a very passionate relationship. Why I said that to her? Simple. Incase we never got married, I didn’t want her to think any less of herself. It was important to her. And hence to me. Also to remove any doubt of my intention or feelings for her. Though she always doubted my love for her.

The following day we had our first date and the first time I kissed her and hugged her. It all felt so comfortable. Her body nestled in mine. As if our bodies were 2 parts of the same jigsaw. There was no awkwardness. Mind you the kiss was on her cheek. It was only the next day, a sunday, that we really kissed. (LG rambles: Haven't you heard the song 'Never on a Sunday') It was mind blowing. I still remember it. Again, there was no awkwardness like when two people kiss for the first time. It all just flowed. Like our lips were meant for each other's. It was electrifying, like a million watts shooting through my body. Some minutes later I could not stand. My head was fuzzy and my legs weak. Never felt like this ever. And we just sat, holding each other smiling. We both knew we had found our soulmates.

A few days later she told me that she was in love with me. That WAS and STILL is the happiest day of my life. Can never forget it. It meant more to me than holding my new born baby in my arms. I still remember her words and how coyly she said, "I've fallen in love with you"

And as they say, the rest was/is history...

Continued... The Best Couple of Years 

Love, Sex and Marriage - Jilted in Love #3

I was going to type 3 separate posts but decided to make it one.

This post is about three guys that were jilted. Yes! Guys! It's not only women that always face the short end of the stick.

All 3 stories being similar. The feelings, emotions and thoughts - are all the same. I cried while listening to them and cried even more while keying this. Heartbreaks are always sad and even more so when it comes out of the blue when you least expect it.

Three happily in love couples, no issues between them whatsoever. Three nice guys, madly in love, and then one day: Crash! Boom! Bang, and their world falls apart!

Hearts ripped out from their bodies, stomped and left to dogs to relish on. Sad but true! I feel for all three of them - one, really close to me; the other, a friend; and the third, an acquaintance. First one was ditched because of no apparent reason, the second was left languishing as his ex realised love was not enough, and the third wanted a more settled guy who would fulfill all her needs and wanted her family to be happy too. Two stories are two years old and one is current. They say, “Time heals all”. But I still see the pain, hurt, and agony as fresh and deep as it was as the day their lives came crumbling down. Time just makes the pain a bit less and bearable. Time makes us used to living with it. Time just gives a false sense of protection. Beneath the surface it's a volcano ready to erupt at the slightest hint.

Being a Libran, I am pretty fair and unbiased. But at the same time extremely emotional. I have tried to understand the ‘whats’ and ‘whys’ of their disposition. But it flummoxes me every time I think about it. I do not see any plausible reason why 3 currently torn guys could not have been 3 happy couples. Hopes of marriage, a great family and happy fun-filled joyous future. Now, just memories and thoughts. Some good and happy but mostly gut or I would say heart wrenching.


Guy #1

So Guy #1, let's call him Bob. He was the one left stranded for no apparent reason. He still can't get over it. His mind is totally messed up right now. The past year has not really been the best for him. But his relationship kept him strong, stable and sane. He was in a relationship for close to 3 years. His lady love had been away the past year for higher studies. They were pretty serious and had discussed marriage. Bob was looking forward to her return so that they could finalise the wedding plans. He was very excited and eager. I remember we discussed some gift option that he would present to her at the airport and formally propose to her.

Bob did propose to her and was shocked and confused when she said "We need to talk about it". Shocked because he was expecting a "Yes". Confused because he didn't know what more was needed to be discussed. As they had pretty much discussed it all.

To keep things short. She had a sudden change of heart. But I think otherwise. She was having far too much fun abroad to actually settle down with Bob. The poor guy has been nursing a broken heart and dreams. Initially he was torn apart but he bounced back real quick. OK, it did take quite a lot of alcohol & crying sessions over 4-6 weeks. In fact he's happier now than he was with her. Suddenly he's come alive. He is like the Bob I never knew. He was shy and quiet, I'd even go to the extent to say non-descript. But now! He is a totally out and out kinda guy. Happy-go-lucky. But I know what dark, morose feelings are there inside.

Well she did try to get back with him, but he showed her the finger. I personally think she's a major bitch, though I do not know her at all. I do not have any issues with her having second thoughts but keeping Bob disillusioned for this long? Giving him false hopes? Anyways she can go to hell. And when I meet her then, I will laugh at her face.


Guy #2

Hmmm... lets call him Chris and her Evelyn. They were dating for about 4 years. They made a really gorgeous couple. I would not say that they were in love but definitely were into each other. (Hey no carnal thoughts!!) They were a fun couple to be around, but (yeah there's always a But) from different backgrounds. Her lifestyle was altogether different from all of us let alone Chris', who was fairly well off. I always thought that they were not meant to be and did tell Chris about it in their early days of dating. But you know how it is right - Raging hormones and all. Anyways as long as he was or rather they were happy I didn't really bother.

A couple of years into their relationship, Evelyn's parents started putting pressure on her to get married. Her parents didn't know about Chris. Well they knew him but didn't know they were in a relationship. So now the pressure was on Chris. Well he had no doubt about marrying her. And she wanted to marry him too. Chris had just started work. Was independent and not living off his family business. He wanted to be a self-made man. This is where Evelyn had an issue. She didn't quite understand why Chris wanted to do it on his own when he could fall back on his family.

So here's where it started getting interesting...

A few months later, Evelyn informed her parents about their relationship. Chris spoke with her parents and explained to them the situation and he was intent on making his life on his own. Somehow her parents didn't like the idea of him working and had an issue if he would be able to take care of her as well as provide her with the luxuries she was accustomed to. Her father was a successful businessman and was not happy with the idea that his daughter may have to work after marriage. So her father gave Chris an ultimatum that if he wanted to marry Evelyn he should go back to his family business.

So, we all friends spent quite a few days and nights with Chris and Evelyn on what they were going to do. Chris was sure, he would not go back to the family business and he wanted to marry Evelyn. By then Evelyn had come around that she wanted to marry him and he did not have to work with the family. Chris decided he would leave the country to increase his earnings and she decided that she would follow him a few months later. It was decided they both wanted to marry each other come what may. Evelyn promised Chris that he was the one she wanted to marry and live the rest of her life with. She didn't tell her parents that Chris was going to go abroad. In the meantime they were getting proposals for her. They thought she called it off with Chris.

Chris in the meantime had packed up and left. Got himself a good job. And in the 9 months since he first left, he did visit home a few times. Both discussed marriage plans for the following year. Chris would once again approach her parents and ask for her hand in marriage else they would elope. All set.

Suddenly 2-3 months later, Chris gets a call from Evelyn. She informs him that she thought about them again and she realized that she was not willing to compromise on her lifestyle and that she could not marry him. (Hold on a bit here comes the juicy bit) Also, she said that she had found someone who could provide her with the lifestyle.

Silence...

I can't even imagine what must have gone through Chris' mind then. All his hopes and dreams literally shattered in that one call. He was busy creating a future for them, left home, left the country, left family and friends behind just so that he could earn shit loads of money. (For whom? For Her!) And this is what he got in return. He was devastated. We asked him to come home for a bit, but he didn't. A couple of us immediately visited Chris and spent a few days with him. He was a sight to pity. His house was in a mess. He was drinking himself silly every evening. He was so lost and gone that he even hired 'call girls' every week. Whatever he had saved he blew it all up in the next 3 months. He didn't visit home for a year. Cut himself off from everyone barring a couple of friends. I remember how he would cry on the phone, totally drunk and out of his mind. We were surprised he managed to hold onto his job. Chris had a couple of friends there who did take care of him. We were not sorry for him but were very sad. It's been 2 years now and Chris is as normal as he can be. Only the few who know Chris really well know that he's not the same. He's totally closed himself off emotionally. We try not to discuss Evelyn but we have common friends, and every time her name comes up, we can see tears build up in his eyes. He has tried dating in the recent past. But he says he just can't connect with them emotionally and he may never be able to connect with any woman. (One less good guy lost to the selfish, greedy, bad world)

Most of us have totally cut off from Evelyn. I do not think we ever will speak with someone so heartless and insensitive. She didn't give Chris a chance to prove himself. What kind of a person would break someone's heart for their own selfish needs? Chris could provide, OK not necessarily two holidays in a year but definitely one. To people at large, Chris seems totally normal. Well, he is! But now there is this darkness, hatred, harshness, insecurity and pessimism too, in him.  We know he'll never be the same.


Guy #3

He calls himself King of England, as England has no King I'm going to call him Charles and his lady love Bambino. Well I was going to key this in but Charles said that he wanted to write it. So we'll hear from him with real emotions and feelings in the next post. A quick background about his status: Both Charles and Bambino were madly in love with each other. If at all a couple I'd say were made for each other or soulmates, I'd say Charles and Bambino were that couple. They dated for two years. Discussed marriage, kids, and a wonderful future together. And then, she dropped the bomb on him. That she was going to marry another man because she wanted to be happy and her parents would be happy. (hold on hold on…) And, that he should forget her. And not once did she ask him what he would do with his life or how would he cope and live without her. (Damn you parents. I thought you wanted your children to be happy and not obligated to you)

Well, not going to disclose anymore. Will let the man do the talking… in the next post.

Isn't it amazing how easy it is for people to break another's heart and yet carry on happily with their lives? How people make decisions which potentially can destroy another's life? How people can make life altering choices, for themselves and others, without an iota of thought about the other? What kind of a world do we live in?

Do let me know your thoughts.

Cheers!

Love, Sex & Marriage - Jilted by Love #2

This post is about Bina. She was crazily in love with Mukesh. They dated for about 6 years and were pretty serious about each other. I met them a couple of times, professionally and did some work together. But I always found something amiss. I could not see the same passion coming from him. Anyways, thought it was because they dated for so long.

I remember Bina telling me that they would be getting married shortly. Both sets of parents knew. Yes there were some issues because of different religions. However, that was not going to stop them. Mukesh was pretty clear that he wanted to marry her.

He was going back home for some occasion as well as to discuss the dates of his impending wedding with his parents. Bina was so excited. Just like a small child in a candy store... I was excited too. Though not my pals, but yeah I could call them friends.

I remember speaking to her a couple of times during the fortnight Mukesh was away and even a couple of days before his return. She was waiting for his return so that she could break the news to her family. Well age was not on her side. She was a couple of years elder to me. She had prepared a surprise for him - his favourite meal and more.

But t'was not meant to be.

Two days after speaking with her, I opened the newspaper, and there it was - right in front of my eyes - her name in the headline. At first, I couldn't believe my eyes. I thought someone was playing a dirty joke on me. I re-read the article. Bina had committed suicide by hanging herself. She wrote her last note and explained the reason for taking such a drastic step.

Apparently Mukesh had gone home to get married and never once let her know about it. Forget Bina, none of his friends knew about this! He called her, the day after I had spoken with her, and said he was married and that she should go on with her life!

What kind of a person would cheat another out of love? I mean what was Mukesh thinking when he hid it from Bina and went to his village to get married? Does he have a heart at all? What did he expect Bina to do after promising her marriage and a future? How can he be so selfish that for his own happiness he sacrificed another person’s life? Did he not realise how badly she would be affected? Did he not have any responsibility towards her? They were in a relationship for GOD's sake. How could he be so heartless and spiflicate her like that? The one he was supposedly in love with? I can't even fathom what must have gone through her when he said those words to her. (Well actually I can, but more of that later in another post). How could he make such a big decision without considering her feelings and emotions? Or even talking it out with her? Is that what love is? Making life-altering decisions that also impact another person's without their consent? So was the relationship just a sham? A pastime activity? Was it all just fun and games for him?

I can't understand exactly why would Bina do something like this. But I guess it’s too late to ask now. But makes me wonder, how can you take your own life. By what she did she also didn't really think about the people in her life, especially those who love her. What she did was selfish too. Took the easy way out and left the burden on others. Maybe she realised that Mukesh was her life, her everything and without him life had no meaning. I'm sure it would not have been an easy decision to end her life. Just imagine the thoughts that must have gone through her mind. Someone that meant everything to her; someone she had dreams with; now the dreams are being fulfilled with another person; her love her life her everything in the arms of another. How could she live with such thoughts; day in and day out? Instead of putting her through such emotional turmoil, he should have just shot her in the head from point blank range.

After so many years I'm still grappling with the issue. I feel real sad for her parents. After agreeing to an inter-caste marriage (which was a huge issue in this case), they now have to mourn her death for the rest of their lives. Though they were not really happy with it, but she was after all, their child and any parent would want to see the smile on their kid’s face. Parents also realize that their child will not live with them forever and the person they marry / love/ chose is the one that will keep them truly happy.

Well, mostly.

RIP Bina. You are remembered.

The Best Love Song Ever...

Bryan Adams' 'I Wanna Be - Your Underwear' has has got to be the best love song ever written. Well it's my favourite :-) Enjoy the song here. (this is not the original video... listen to the words n look at the video :-) )

Cheers!

I wanna be your t-shirt when it's wet - I wanna be the shower when you sweat
I gotta be the tattoo on your skin - yeah lemme be your bed baby - when you climb in
I wanna be the sheets when you sleep - let me be the secrets that you keep
I gotta be the spoon - ta stir your cream
I wanna be the one that really makes you scream

I wanna be - your lipstick when ya lick it
I wanna be - your high heels when ya kick it
I wanna be - your sweet love babe - ya when you make it
from your feet up to your hair - more than anything I swear
I wanna be - your underwear

I wanna be the itch that you scratch - wanna be the chair when you relax
I gotta be your razor when you shave
I wanna be the habit that really makes you crave

I wanna be - your hot tub - when you're dippin'
I wanna be - your bathrobe - when you're drippin'
I wanna be - your cocktail baby - when you're sippin'
I just wanna be right there - more than anything I swear
I wanna be - your underwear

I wanna be your sleeping bag - baby slip inside
Let me be your motorcycle n' take you for a ride - alright

I wanna be - your hot sauce - ya when you're cookin'
I wanna be - your sunglasses - hey good lookin'
I wanna be - wanna be the one - you're stick your hook in
I just wanna be right there - more than anything I swear
Oh ya I wanna be - your underwear